1.27.2010
1.03.2010
I cried in the bathroom this morning, heartbroken.
He is intelligent, attractive, immensely enjoyable to spend time with.
We have so much in common.
It's only been 4 months since I met him, but I feel like I've known him for longer.
I never thought I would ever meet meet someone like this, the kind of person many people have told me would be just the kind of guy they could imagine me being with.
The kind of person I thought I should be with too.
I am in my twenties, unsure and searching.
I am restless and looking for adventures, but also independence.
I have a lot of affection to give.
I require immense amounts of attention.
I want someone to share my life with, a soul mate and partner-in-crime.
I want so badly for him to like and respect me.
But I need a lot, someone who will hold me together.
He is in his thirties.
He is very settled in his routine.
He often needs time alone, without me.
He asked me the other day not to "suffocate" him.
He doesn't always answer his phone.
He lives at his parents' house.
He has no plans to move out anytime soon.
There is a boy out there who already loves me unconditionally and wholeheartedly.
Who is willing to do anything for me and often has.
He always answers his phone, no matter what time it is.
I love his soul but am not attracted to his body.
He can be controlling and unreasonable, but he understands me more than anyone else in the world.
What the hell am I doing?
We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come. - Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being
We have so much in common.
It's only been 4 months since I met him, but I feel like I've known him for longer.
I never thought I would ever meet meet someone like this, the kind of person many people have told me would be just the kind of guy they could imagine me being with.
The kind of person I thought I should be with too.
I am in my twenties, unsure and searching.
I am restless and looking for adventures, but also independence.
I have a lot of affection to give.
I require immense amounts of attention.
I want someone to share my life with, a soul mate and partner-in-crime.
I want so badly for him to like and respect me.
But I need a lot, someone who will hold me together.
He is in his thirties.
He is very settled in his routine.
He often needs time alone, without me.
He asked me the other day not to "suffocate" him.
He doesn't always answer his phone.
He lives at his parents' house.
He has no plans to move out anytime soon.
There is a boy out there who already loves me unconditionally and wholeheartedly.
Who is willing to do anything for me and often has.
He always answers his phone, no matter what time it is.
I love his soul but am not attracted to his body.
He can be controlling and unreasonable, but he understands me more than anyone else in the world.
What the hell am I doing?
We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come. - Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being
1.02.2010
2010
A new year. I feel completely unhinged, a veritable emotional roller coaster. I don't know what I want or how I'm going to get it. Heaven help me.
Things I have accomplished since my last blog entry:
- I got a cell phone, finally. A cute little white and green thing. Reminds me of Japan.
- I moved out of my parents' house in a strange and sudden happening. Not the way I envisioned it occurring, for such a monumental occasion, but a necessity, I think. It became a matter of comfort/saving money/convenience vs. freedom. Too early to tell if it was the best choice as I am seriously hurting on the financial front, but at least I can do what I want.
- I continue to work my arse off at two jobs which I like enough and am lucky to have, but I would trade in a heartbeat for the job of my dreams. Which I still have to figure out what that is. The ones that always come up are any job related to books (that pays more than working at a chain bookstore), something international-related (tour management, consulate work, going back abroad?), or having my own cafe/bookshop/art space someday. I wish I didn't dream and think so damn hard. Why can't I be more practical and unfeeling?
I know this is all part of the re-entry culture shock business, all of those pre-departure workshops drilled that in so well. But I didn't know that it was going to be this emotionally wrenching. And that no one would understand. And that I would feel this crazy, untethered, and out of control. Maybe there isn't one job that is going to save me, one boy to share my life with, a place to call my own. Or maybe I just have to be patient. I should probably put more effort into searching for those dream jobs.
My faults:
- I overanalyze everything.
- I think too hard.
- I can't make decisions.
- I turn everything into something monumental and meaningful.
- I avoid anything serious and isolate myself, except when it comes to the boy I love.
- I always feel like I need to run away.
I can't tell you how many times I have considered moving to Korea, going back to Japan, maybe biting my tongue and just moving to South Carolina to be with Steve, just to get away, to find those people who will understand me. Maybe I thrive on traveling and being transient. I saw Up in the Air recently and could completely empathize with George Clooney's character. I feel happiest and most at home when I'm on the move, traveling.
Last night was New Year's Eve and it was amazing. We went to San Francisco, hung out at an 大人っぽい hotel room, had dinner at Local Kitchen, went to The Edinburgh Castle. I drank Beringer Pinot Noir, champagne, cider, and a shot of vodka. I was in the city with intelligent and attractive, well-dressed company. I looked good and felt alive. I stayed out until the wee hours of the morning. It was absolutely exhilarating.
I thought about New Year's Resolutions and realized that every year they are the same. This years':
- SIMPLIFY; rid your life of negative influences, excess material belongings, emotional baggage.
- CONTROL; establish regimens, be responsible, stay on top of correspondences, deadlines, make time to do what needs to be done, be on time, take care of your health and appearance.
And new for this year:
- DON'T GIVE TOO MUCH OF A SHIT; relax, it really doesn't matter as much as you are making it matter.
Things to do more of this year:
- Read books
- Have quiet moments drinking coffee at cafes.
- Do things that make you happy, that enrich you.
I feel like I am collecting skills and life experiences so that I can open that cafe someday. A hole in my resume is how to make coffee drinks. Gotta work on that.
This blog entry is awfully scattered, just like my life and my brain right now. Here's to a new year, Save the Drama for Your Mama 2010. Please bring me peace and order in my life.
Things I have accomplished since my last blog entry:
- I got a cell phone, finally. A cute little white and green thing. Reminds me of Japan.
- I moved out of my parents' house in a strange and sudden happening. Not the way I envisioned it occurring, for such a monumental occasion, but a necessity, I think. It became a matter of comfort/saving money/convenience vs. freedom. Too early to tell if it was the best choice as I am seriously hurting on the financial front, but at least I can do what I want.
- I continue to work my arse off at two jobs which I like enough and am lucky to have, but I would trade in a heartbeat for the job of my dreams. Which I still have to figure out what that is. The ones that always come up are any job related to books (that pays more than working at a chain bookstore), something international-related (tour management, consulate work, going back abroad?), or having my own cafe/bookshop/art space someday. I wish I didn't dream and think so damn hard. Why can't I be more practical and unfeeling?
I know this is all part of the re-entry culture shock business, all of those pre-departure workshops drilled that in so well. But I didn't know that it was going to be this emotionally wrenching. And that no one would understand. And that I would feel this crazy, untethered, and out of control. Maybe there isn't one job that is going to save me, one boy to share my life with, a place to call my own. Or maybe I just have to be patient. I should probably put more effort into searching for those dream jobs.
My faults:
- I overanalyze everything.
- I think too hard.
- I can't make decisions.
- I turn everything into something monumental and meaningful.
- I avoid anything serious and isolate myself, except when it comes to the boy I love.
- I always feel like I need to run away.
I can't tell you how many times I have considered moving to Korea, going back to Japan, maybe biting my tongue and just moving to South Carolina to be with Steve, just to get away, to find those people who will understand me. Maybe I thrive on traveling and being transient. I saw Up in the Air recently and could completely empathize with George Clooney's character. I feel happiest and most at home when I'm on the move, traveling.
Last night was New Year's Eve and it was amazing. We went to San Francisco, hung out at an 大人っぽい hotel room, had dinner at Local Kitchen, went to The Edinburgh Castle. I drank Beringer Pinot Noir, champagne, cider, and a shot of vodka. I was in the city with intelligent and attractive, well-dressed company. I looked good and felt alive. I stayed out until the wee hours of the morning. It was absolutely exhilarating.
I thought about New Year's Resolutions and realized that every year they are the same. This years':
- SIMPLIFY; rid your life of negative influences, excess material belongings, emotional baggage.
- CONTROL; establish regimens, be responsible, stay on top of correspondences, deadlines, make time to do what needs to be done, be on time, take care of your health and appearance.
And new for this year:
- DON'T GIVE TOO MUCH OF A SHIT; relax, it really doesn't matter as much as you are making it matter.
Things to do more of this year:
- Read books
- Have quiet moments drinking coffee at cafes.
- Do things that make you happy, that enrich you.
I feel like I am collecting skills and life experiences so that I can open that cafe someday. A hole in my resume is how to make coffee drinks. Gotta work on that.
This blog entry is awfully scattered, just like my life and my brain right now. Here's to a new year, Save the Drama for Your Mama 2010. Please bring me peace and order in my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
