Need money and a full-time job.
Want my own place.
Gotta stop buying things and get rid of the crap I have.
Same old, same old.
Chris is out drinking with Zach and Sabrina tonight, and I have to go to bed to open Sports Center and work 10.75 hours tomorrow. Woohoo.
I guess this is life, just gotta roll with it.
On a more positive note, in less than a month Chris and I will be heading to Costa Rica! Very excited about that; I never feel more alive and in my groove as when I'm travelling. It's a perfect destination: within North America but exotic enough to be exciting, we get to practice Spanish, go hiking, zip-lining, horseback riding and all other matters of outdoor pursuits. It just feels really right for the state of mind I'm in. Props to Chris for suggesting it, I never would have thought of it myself I think. I was leaning towards Vietnam/Thailand or Bali or something, still in the Asian mindset. But Costa Rica is perfect; feels like my North American welcome back to the travel circuit. How do you say "Let's having a good time!" in Spanish?
4.22.2010
4.21.2010
The Disease Known as Pack-Rat-itis
I had a bit of a revelation today whilst cleaning my room.
I have SO MUCH SHIT!
That's not the revelation; it was merely an observation. Clothes, books, shoes scarves...just so much STUFF. And I know I'm not the only one. Why do most human beings feel the need to hoard things?
I know it's partially connected to social evolution. I remember this from Brian Catlos' World to 1500 class. Or was it Anthropology 1? Or both? Anyway, When human beings were mobile hunter-gatherers, it was impractical to have a lot of belongings; it would only weigh one down and hinder one from effectively hunting/gathering necessary nourishment. Not completely related but a little detail I remember is that during that time, human beings had circular houses: easy to assemble and just the right amount of protection for people on the move. Not practical for long-term stays.
At some point, when human beings figured out herding and farming, we transitioned to lifestyles that would better suit our newly found sedentary ways, i.e. hoarding supplies and possessions and having rectangular houses. Why go out hunting every day when you can cure and store the meat? Why go out and buy toilet paper every day when you can go to Costco and buy a 48 pack and store it in the garage?
Thus, for hundreds of years, for convenience and in the name of stability and plenty, human beings have hoarded things. This isn't necessarily bad; having those spare rolls of toilet paper is an extremely convenient thing. The point of contention I'm try to get at is when human beings hoard crap: tchotchkes, old papers, things with sentimental value. Perhaps calling those things "crap" is a bit judgemental. "One man's trash is another man's treasure," as they say. But for the most part, they are things that are unnecessary for daily living, on a physical level anyway. Perhaps for some people, having these things is necessary for functioning on an emotional level. But it's something that I've struggled with for as long as I can remember.
It was particularly bad when I was younger. I used to hold on to EVERYTHING: movie tickets stubs, programs from concerts, every pair of running shoes I ever had, every t-shirt I got from a cross country or track meet, or from traveling. Unfortunately, I still have the shoes and a lot of the shirts. And as I was cleaning today, I had a battle in my head about throwing them out. And I think I'm finally ready. Sometimes it just takes the passage of time for the disconnection of object + associated emotion to happen.
In getting rid these things though, of course I want to make sure I properly recycle or donate them (as a responsible citizen of Planet Earth) if at all possible, and in searching for ways to get rid of my old running shoes, I came across Nike's Reuse-A-Shoe program on a Googled list of recycling options which had this blurb:
"Sure it is nice to go and buy a new pair of sneakers, wear them proudly in the store, walk a little in them to test their features, enjoy the new comfort for your feet, go back home with the brand new shoe box to open like a birthday gift. It is also true though that the sight of the good old pair in the shoe cabinet, and the idea to have to toss them away, is one of the most painful experiences for every runner. It is natural to go back with the memory to the roads shared together, the distances covered, the mud, the rain, the rocky paths, the melting asphalt. You think how faithfully your old pair of shoes have protected your feet, in how many occasions they have been your inseparable friends. It would not be fair just to throw them in the trash bin. Here we are: for those who do believe in the reincarnation of running shoes, we compiled a list of recycling programs around the world. There is a Heaven also for old running shoes."
My thoughts, in a nutshell. It's nice to know I'm not the only one.
And that's what it comes down to: human beings hold on to things because they are associated with memories. And memories are important to us because they are occurrences in the past that have contributed in the shaping of the person we have become. What is a life anyway, other than a set period of time in which one experiences and accomplishes things in the name of self-realization?
Moving back to the States from Japan would be one of the most gut-wrenching examples of this disease of hoarding I keep talking about. 3 years of accumulating cute, exotic things, fashionable unique clothing, and those aforementioned sentimental things: letters from students, pictures, presents. The last two weeks in my apartment, I was surrounded these 3 years worth of accumulated things, with Japan Post boxes, costing $150 each to send by boat in 3 months back to America, the slowest, cheapest way possible. How in God's name do you decide what to bring back with you and what to get rid of? And with the attachment I have to things, hardest decisions of my life.
I remember taking a break from packing to go to the Board of Education to sign off some final paperwork and have my farewell ceremony with the BOE bigwigs and feeling completely overwhelmed. My friend Erich, another ALT, asked me what was wrong and I told him, and he say, immediately and very matter-of-factly, "Take pictures." What? "Take pictures of the things you can't bring with you," he said. "Digital photos weigh nothing, and if you ever want to look at the things, you will still have them." What a brilliant idea! Thank you, Erich, you wise sage. I hope he and his wife are doing well, and come to think of it, their baby must have been born by now. I hope that baby is happy and healthy and Erich is enjoying his new little family.
I'm really glad I took those pictures; I still have them. But the funniest thing is, 8 months later, I still have never sat down to look at them, and I'm not sure if I ever will. But it is comforting to know that I have them, even if on a full 2GB memory card. We human beings are strange creatures.
I have come to the conclusion that we keep and store and hoard our possessions as visual proof of our history and accomplishments. That's what it really comes down to, right? We hold on to things so that we can show them to other people as proof of what we have done with ourselves. I can tell you the stories as many times as I am I capable of doing, but if I show you a picture or give you something to hold in your hand and observe, won't you believe me that much more? I went to Japan, but how do you know that? Here's pictures of me with my Japanese public school students and climbing Mt. Fuji. No way, you ran Cross Country competitively for 8 years? Hell yeah I did, here are the stacks of t-shirts I accumulated from every meet and season, the race singlets, and the medals.
But does it all really matter? After the memories are gone and the self-realizations have been made, what is holding on to possessions for other than showing off and feeling like you have to prove to other people what you've done with your life? Can I just keep it inside and know in my own heart what I've accomplished and people be damned if they don't believe me?
So with that, into the donation bag go the old t-shirts, and to the recycling center go the old running shoes. The Japan Post boxes...they will have to wait for another day to be unpacked. It's too soon.
I have SO MUCH SHIT!
That's not the revelation; it was merely an observation. Clothes, books, shoes scarves...just so much STUFF. And I know I'm not the only one. Why do most human beings feel the need to hoard things?
I know it's partially connected to social evolution. I remember this from Brian Catlos' World to 1500 class. Or was it Anthropology 1? Or both? Anyway, When human beings were mobile hunter-gatherers, it was impractical to have a lot of belongings; it would only weigh one down and hinder one from effectively hunting/gathering necessary nourishment. Not completely related but a little detail I remember is that during that time, human beings had circular houses: easy to assemble and just the right amount of protection for people on the move. Not practical for long-term stays.
At some point, when human beings figured out herding and farming, we transitioned to lifestyles that would better suit our newly found sedentary ways, i.e. hoarding supplies and possessions and having rectangular houses. Why go out hunting every day when you can cure and store the meat? Why go out and buy toilet paper every day when you can go to Costco and buy a 48 pack and store it in the garage?
Thus, for hundreds of years, for convenience and in the name of stability and plenty, human beings have hoarded things. This isn't necessarily bad; having those spare rolls of toilet paper is an extremely convenient thing. The point of contention I'm try to get at is when human beings hoard crap: tchotchkes, old papers, things with sentimental value. Perhaps calling those things "crap" is a bit judgemental. "One man's trash is another man's treasure," as they say. But for the most part, they are things that are unnecessary for daily living, on a physical level anyway. Perhaps for some people, having these things is necessary for functioning on an emotional level. But it's something that I've struggled with for as long as I can remember.
It was particularly bad when I was younger. I used to hold on to EVERYTHING: movie tickets stubs, programs from concerts, every pair of running shoes I ever had, every t-shirt I got from a cross country or track meet, or from traveling. Unfortunately, I still have the shoes and a lot of the shirts. And as I was cleaning today, I had a battle in my head about throwing them out. And I think I'm finally ready. Sometimes it just takes the passage of time for the disconnection of object + associated emotion to happen.
In getting rid these things though, of course I want to make sure I properly recycle or donate them (as a responsible citizen of Planet Earth) if at all possible, and in searching for ways to get rid of my old running shoes, I came across Nike's Reuse-A-Shoe program on a Googled list of recycling options which had this blurb:
"Sure it is nice to go and buy a new pair of sneakers, wear them proudly in the store, walk a little in them to test their features, enjoy the new comfort for your feet, go back home with the brand new shoe box to open like a birthday gift. It is also true though that the sight of the good old pair in the shoe cabinet, and the idea to have to toss them away, is one of the most painful experiences for every runner. It is natural to go back with the memory to the roads shared together, the distances covered, the mud, the rain, the rocky paths, the melting asphalt. You think how faithfully your old pair of shoes have protected your feet, in how many occasions they have been your inseparable friends. It would not be fair just to throw them in the trash bin. Here we are: for those who do believe in the reincarnation of running shoes, we compiled a list of recycling programs around the world. There is a Heaven also for old running shoes."
My thoughts, in a nutshell. It's nice to know I'm not the only one.
And that's what it comes down to: human beings hold on to things because they are associated with memories. And memories are important to us because they are occurrences in the past that have contributed in the shaping of the person we have become. What is a life anyway, other than a set period of time in which one experiences and accomplishes things in the name of self-realization?
Moving back to the States from Japan would be one of the most gut-wrenching examples of this disease of hoarding I keep talking about. 3 years of accumulating cute, exotic things, fashionable unique clothing, and those aforementioned sentimental things: letters from students, pictures, presents. The last two weeks in my apartment, I was surrounded these 3 years worth of accumulated things, with Japan Post boxes, costing $150 each to send by boat in 3 months back to America, the slowest, cheapest way possible. How in God's name do you decide what to bring back with you and what to get rid of? And with the attachment I have to things, hardest decisions of my life.
I remember taking a break from packing to go to the Board of Education to sign off some final paperwork and have my farewell ceremony with the BOE bigwigs and feeling completely overwhelmed. My friend Erich, another ALT, asked me what was wrong and I told him, and he say, immediately and very matter-of-factly, "Take pictures." What? "Take pictures of the things you can't bring with you," he said. "Digital photos weigh nothing, and if you ever want to look at the things, you will still have them." What a brilliant idea! Thank you, Erich, you wise sage. I hope he and his wife are doing well, and come to think of it, their baby must have been born by now. I hope that baby is happy and healthy and Erich is enjoying his new little family.
I'm really glad I took those pictures; I still have them. But the funniest thing is, 8 months later, I still have never sat down to look at them, and I'm not sure if I ever will. But it is comforting to know that I have them, even if on a full 2GB memory card. We human beings are strange creatures.
I have come to the conclusion that we keep and store and hoard our possessions as visual proof of our history and accomplishments. That's what it really comes down to, right? We hold on to things so that we can show them to other people as proof of what we have done with ourselves. I can tell you the stories as many times as I am I capable of doing, but if I show you a picture or give you something to hold in your hand and observe, won't you believe me that much more? I went to Japan, but how do you know that? Here's pictures of me with my Japanese public school students and climbing Mt. Fuji. No way, you ran Cross Country competitively for 8 years? Hell yeah I did, here are the stacks of t-shirts I accumulated from every meet and season, the race singlets, and the medals.
But does it all really matter? After the memories are gone and the self-realizations have been made, what is holding on to possessions for other than showing off and feeling like you have to prove to other people what you've done with your life? Can I just keep it inside and know in my own heart what I've accomplished and people be damned if they don't believe me?
So with that, into the donation bag go the old t-shirts, and to the recycling center go the old running shoes. The Japan Post boxes...they will have to wait for another day to be unpacked. It's too soon.
4.18.2010
Gotta Do This
Gotta move out. Gotta do what I want to do. Don't give a shit what people think about it. When do I get to start MY life?
Just laying low, like a cobra. Then I'm off. Booya bitches!
Just laying low, like a cobra. Then I'm off. Booya bitches!
4.16.2010
CTO
I HATE YOU. I hate that you procrastinate and do stupid things like watch TV or laze around when you should be doing your homework. And then when I am actually free to see you, you are stressed and freaking out. I don't know when I'm going to get to see you again or sleep in the same bed with you for the next couple of weeks. I wish you would look a little further ahead in your week to anticipate these things. You're right, are are a lazy bastard. It hurts me. That I had a boyfriend who was in school and lived across the country, and he would make time to talk to me and would even fly out to see me, despite his busy schedule. And you, you live 15 minutes from me and can't even do that. Plan the fuck ahead. Get your shit done. I know you have a lot of shit on your plate right now, but seriously, get your shit done. Stop fucking around. All I wanted to do was sleep in the same bed with you, what kind of effort does that take on your part? And I was planning on getting up and leaving when you woke up. How many girls do you know are willing to do that? It doesn't take a fucking ounce of effort from you, you selfish prick. So you think I'm too "needy" for you? You should be fucking grateful that someone wants and needs you, shouldn't you cherish and prioritize that? Go back to being a single mid-thirties man-child player whore, no wonder so many women like you but won't stay with you, you don't really "love" me, if you did you would be able to put your goddamn selfish pride and stress down for night to let me feel your skin on mine. It's always you first, isn't it?! When have you ever done anything for me that wasn't just convenient for you? Uh, never? GAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH FUCK YOU!
4.14.2010
The Current Game Plan
It's been a while. I have been back from Japan for 8 months.
I have moved back into my parents' house and it is strangely comfortable. I have enough to eat, it is clean, and I have all my stuff with me. I could do with more space and less things, but for now this will do.
I have quit working at Borders. I loved my co-workers, the discount, being exposed to new and interesting books while helping people, and being surrounded by books, but hated being on my feet, having to physically exert myself to the point of exhaustion for not enough money, and having to deal with annoying customers.
I work 3 positions within the City of Union City: Facility Manager at the Sports Center, "Paid Internship"/Maternity Leave training with Regina at the City Clerk's office, and receptions on the weekends. I am very happy with my jobs and hours right now, and the amount of respect I have garnered. I think I am a pretty hard worker, and I'm glad to see that that hard work is being rewarded with more hours and more pay.
I have too much shit. I look around my room and there are the boxes from Japan (as yet unpacked; still too painful and nowhere to put anything), piles of clothes, piles of books. I keep meaning to go through and get rid of the chaff, but it's so hard. I like my things and have emotional attachments to a lot of them. And I dread the task. As with most things, I'm sure once I start it will be no problem, but for now, I put it off. I hope I can get around to it; I know they are just material things and if I got rid of most of it I'm sure I wouldn't notice. But I was just going back reading old blog posts and realized with disgust that a lot of the things that make me happy involve material things. I hate double standards, yet why do I have them too?
Steve found out about me and Chris, via Facebook as usual. I really want to get rid of Facebook; it's nothing but trouble. But there are so many people that I wouldn't keep in touch with otherwise were it not for Facebook. Another double standard; I despise the concept of Facebook, the vanity and self-promotion of it, yet I use it. What is wrong with me? Despite everything, Steve STILL wants to be with me. I love him, but I feel like I have found a match in Chris. But then, I don't know sometimes. Sometimes I feel like he is the male version of me. Does that mean that he falls in love as easily as me, and just as easily out of it? Is he an "opportunist" who goes for what is convenient and within proximity, as Steve as called me? I wish for a pure, innocent love. Another double standard, considering my history. I keep trying to stop talking to Steve, but he is relentless in his contact, emotionally manipulative with self-pity and guilt, and I am a sucker for it.
I am addicted to Chris. Being with him makes me feel like floating. Is this infatuation? It's been a long time since I've felt this way, so I can't remember. I want to think it's deeper than that. But we haven't been through much hardship together yet. We have meals together as frequently as possible, we talk every day and try to see each other even if just for the free hour at lunch. I feel we are intellectually matched. The physical chemistry is mind-blowing. I think we are a very attractive couple. I feel wild and alive when I am with him. I am impulsive and active, and I don't know if this is good or bad, but so is he. We have decided on a whim (thanks to that wanderlust of mine and the great deals on Travelzoo.com) that we are going to Costa Rica at the end of May. I cannot express in words how excited I am about this trip. As a result of my experiences from the last 3 years, I feel more at home on the road or in the air than I do when I'm in one place. I could completely relate when I saw "Up in the Air" with Chris in Piedmont, after a charming date at Fenton's.
Is Steve right? Am I an opportunist? I feel really good about this thing with Chris, he makes me feel genuinely happy and makes me laugh. Or is it just good right now because it suits my lifestyle and it's easy. If we were to throw the wrench of hardship into the mix, how would we fare? Or am I just letting Steve's emotional manipulation get to me? Damn those psychology majors. Or does he just know me that well? GAAAAHHH.
I swear, I am a broken record. I'm sure this post sounds like every other post I've written in the past couple of months. This has gotta stop. Thank God this is a private blog.
I told Chris today over lunch at (the utterly shitty) Burrito Supremo (Los Dos Gallos across the street is better in my opinion, and frequented by friends of Mexican ethnicity. I hate to say it for fear of being race-oriented, but if people of the same ethnicity endorse the restaurant, it is probably good) that I felt stretched thin because I feel like I am held accountable to too many people. As much as I love my family, it was kind of nice being in Japan for 3 years and not feeling obliged to talk to them or hang out with them once a week. The calm and silence of living alone was bliss. But it was also isolating and lonely after a while. Give and take. I suppose part of being an adult is responsibility. So this desire to steal away and be a hermit, does that make me immature, the fact that I would rather not face reality?
I think the things I want are still the sa
- full time job (so I have enough money to travel and enjoy life)
- my own place to live (so that I can be a hermit when I choose)
That's pretty much it. I feel like I'm getting there, slowly but surely. I know money isn't happiness, but it sure does help alleviate stress and help one acheive goals.
I hope when I go back and read this post sometime in the future I'm not as shocked about my tone as I was tonight when I read blogs previous to this one. I startled myself with how I am equal parts arrogant and insecure, certain, and uncertain, and just overall immature-sounding.
I am currently arguing with Steve on Gmail, waiting for Chris to call me, and know I need to get to bed so that I can get up in the morning for work to open Sports Center at 5:15AM. I want to be productive tomorrow.
- Work
- Workout
- Do Taxes, Mail Off
- Apply for Cal Opps Job
- Go to SF to meet Gina and Jake for Doug's show at the Rickshaw
Tomorrow will be a good day.
I have moved back into my parents' house and it is strangely comfortable. I have enough to eat, it is clean, and I have all my stuff with me. I could do with more space and less things, but for now this will do.
I have quit working at Borders. I loved my co-workers, the discount, being exposed to new and interesting books while helping people, and being surrounded by books, but hated being on my feet, having to physically exert myself to the point of exhaustion for not enough money, and having to deal with annoying customers.
I work 3 positions within the City of Union City: Facility Manager at the Sports Center, "Paid Internship"/Maternity Leave training with Regina at the City Clerk's office, and receptions on the weekends. I am very happy with my jobs and hours right now, and the amount of respect I have garnered. I think I am a pretty hard worker, and I'm glad to see that that hard work is being rewarded with more hours and more pay.
I have too much shit. I look around my room and there are the boxes from Japan (as yet unpacked; still too painful and nowhere to put anything), piles of clothes, piles of books. I keep meaning to go through and get rid of the chaff, but it's so hard. I like my things and have emotional attachments to a lot of them. And I dread the task. As with most things, I'm sure once I start it will be no problem, but for now, I put it off. I hope I can get around to it; I know they are just material things and if I got rid of most of it I'm sure I wouldn't notice. But I was just going back reading old blog posts and realized with disgust that a lot of the things that make me happy involve material things. I hate double standards, yet why do I have them too?
Steve found out about me and Chris, via Facebook as usual. I really want to get rid of Facebook; it's nothing but trouble. But there are so many people that I wouldn't keep in touch with otherwise were it not for Facebook. Another double standard; I despise the concept of Facebook, the vanity and self-promotion of it, yet I use it. What is wrong with me? Despite everything, Steve STILL wants to be with me. I love him, but I feel like I have found a match in Chris. But then, I don't know sometimes. Sometimes I feel like he is the male version of me. Does that mean that he falls in love as easily as me, and just as easily out of it? Is he an "opportunist" who goes for what is convenient and within proximity, as Steve as called me? I wish for a pure, innocent love. Another double standard, considering my history. I keep trying to stop talking to Steve, but he is relentless in his contact, emotionally manipulative with self-pity and guilt, and I am a sucker for it.
I am addicted to Chris. Being with him makes me feel like floating. Is this infatuation? It's been a long time since I've felt this way, so I can't remember. I want to think it's deeper than that. But we haven't been through much hardship together yet. We have meals together as frequently as possible, we talk every day and try to see each other even if just for the free hour at lunch. I feel we are intellectually matched. The physical chemistry is mind-blowing. I think we are a very attractive couple. I feel wild and alive when I am with him. I am impulsive and active, and I don't know if this is good or bad, but so is he. We have decided on a whim (thanks to that wanderlust of mine and the great deals on Travelzoo.com) that we are going to Costa Rica at the end of May. I cannot express in words how excited I am about this trip. As a result of my experiences from the last 3 years, I feel more at home on the road or in the air than I do when I'm in one place. I could completely relate when I saw "Up in the Air" with Chris in Piedmont, after a charming date at Fenton's.
Is Steve right? Am I an opportunist? I feel really good about this thing with Chris, he makes me feel genuinely happy and makes me laugh. Or is it just good right now because it suits my lifestyle and it's easy. If we were to throw the wrench of hardship into the mix, how would we fare? Or am I just letting Steve's emotional manipulation get to me? Damn those psychology majors. Or does he just know me that well? GAAAAHHH.
I swear, I am a broken record. I'm sure this post sounds like every other post I've written in the past couple of months. This has gotta stop. Thank God this is a private blog.
I told Chris today over lunch at (the utterly shitty) Burrito Supremo (Los Dos Gallos across the street is better in my opinion, and frequented by friends of Mexican ethnicity. I hate to say it for fear of being race-oriented, but if people of the same ethnicity endorse the restaurant, it is probably good) that I felt stretched thin because I feel like I am held accountable to too many people. As much as I love my family, it was kind of nice being in Japan for 3 years and not feeling obliged to talk to them or hang out with them once a week. The calm and silence of living alone was bliss. But it was also isolating and lonely after a while. Give and take. I suppose part of being an adult is responsibility. So this desire to steal away and be a hermit, does that make me immature, the fact that I would rather not face reality?
I think the things I want are still the sa
- full time job (so I have enough money to travel and enjoy life)
- my own place to live (so that I can be a hermit when I choose)
That's pretty much it. I feel like I'm getting there, slowly but surely. I know money isn't happiness, but it sure does help alleviate stress and help one acheive goals.
I hope when I go back and read this post sometime in the future I'm not as shocked about my tone as I was tonight when I read blogs previous to this one. I startled myself with how I am equal parts arrogant and insecure, certain, and uncertain, and just overall immature-sounding.
I am currently arguing with Steve on Gmail, waiting for Chris to call me, and know I need to get to bed so that I can get up in the morning for work to open Sports Center at 5:15AM. I want to be productive tomorrow.
- Work
- Workout
- Do Taxes, Mail Off
- Apply for Cal Opps Job
- Go to SF to meet Gina and Jake for Doug's show at the Rickshaw
Tomorrow will be a good day.
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