Why do I always have to be the one to do it? Why can't I just reap the benefits of someone else's work?

I think I have finally hooked him, started to break him. It took a stupid break up letter, and I felt completely in control of the situation. When I figured out that he wasn't coming after me, I came back in under the guise of looking for something. I played my part and told him how I felt. I feel like all boys need to know that they are being completely immature and stupid. I feel like immature men put themselves first and are selfish and self-centered. I read/heard somewhere that women have to mold their men into what they want them to be. They need to learn to appreciate you, make you their priority. Which is why I HATE that he won't give up smoking. And wouldn't be so damn dependent on alcohol. I feel like if he really cared about me he would quit. That is really the only thing that is keeping this from being perfect. I want to leave him for it, but the thing is, I know that he would just let me go. And then resent me for leaving him. Dumbass.

Late Night Thoughts

That feeling of being completely unhinged and drowning in confusion and culture shock is finally subsiding a bit. I have found calm in the things that I found calm in before: quiet moments in coffee shops, exploring and finding new secret little places, settling into a routine, having rapport with my coworkers and leverage at my job(s), dreaming about future travels, sleeping in on Saturday mornings, absorbing sunlight while napping in my car or on a bench, etc.

I feel like I want to visit Thailand and Vietnam next, when I can. And of course Tibet in 2012 with Natalee. I find myself craving and consuming Thai and Vietnamese food quite frequently these days, because it is fresh and healthy, filling and cheap.

As they always eventually do, my priorities have cycled back to saving money in order to get settled. I guess I just go through phases after a big change when I have to get the energy out of my system and flop around like a fish, be a social butterfly, and find my niche. Which always ends up being contemplative solitude and quality time with my boy.

Things that make me happy no matter where I am (a possible redux of a previous posting, I feel):

- Coffee and sweets in a cafe with character
- Walks in parks
- Books and bookstores
- Delicious food in charming, inexpensive independent restaurants
- Shopping for wardrobe essentials
- Music and dancing

I went to Tapioca Express with my sister at midnight today. It felt like my Friday night because I don't have to work tomorrow. We played ferocious rounds of speed, consumed almond milk tea and peach milk pudding, shimmied to the beat of the bumping music, laughed our asses off. I love that we can have a great time sans alcohol and drugs.

Which will be more important in the long run? Who will I share my older days with? Who will I want to die in the arms of? The one I have clever conversations and exhilarating adventures with who fits my body perfectly? Or the one who treats me like a queen and with whom I have a unique, singular and irrevocable history of experiences, explorations, and self-discoveries?

I know who I should pick, but why do I want to pick the other one? Am I young and rash, and will I have regrets?

My 26th birthday is coming soon. I bought a short, curve-hugging, skankaliciously sophisticated black skirt to wear. I found a billowy green tank top to wear with it at Urban Outfitters, but it was expensive for what it was. Geng and I are going to the mall tomorrow to look for cheaper alternatives. I should wear clothes like this while I'm still in my 20s, young and bangin' enough to wear trendy, revealing clothing, show off my goodies, and get away with it without people thinking I'm old and desperate. This is my prime. Short, tight, with bright colors. In 4 years I'll have to lengthen hemlines, wear more tailored things, be less coy.

I'm moving back into my parents' house because living here feels like living there except that I have to pay rent. I might as well pay less and get fed. I need to continue to lessen my belongings to essentials. I don't need much. I am looking forward to having more spending money, running and working out, spending more time at the Sports Center and being on the side of town where it's nicer and closer to the places I frequent: Target, Sports Center, Paddy's. I'll have my old running loop back, I can bike to work, I will be in control. I will have money to buy makeup and contact lenses.

Places I have discovered I like since being back:

- Berkeley
- Santana Row in San Jose (The shopping reminds me of Japan and stores that I like/hope to buy things from when I can afford it someday are there: H&M, Urban Outfitters, Anthropologie, Lulu Lemon, BCBG Max Azria)
- San Leandro (Mon Cafe, Manor Library, Bay Trail- has character, not so commercialized hidden-gem-like establishments. OMG Nordstrom Rack. )

Things I want to do when Steve visits:

- Get Tap Ex
- Eat at Red Chili
- Explore Golden Gate Park as a newcomer without feeling stupid
- Go to Berkeley, meander Telegraph, check out used book stores, get Yogurt Park

I want to do these things with Chris, but I feel like it's very "been there, done that" with him. I want us to see and explore something new together. With Steve I feel un-self-conscious and at ease.

HOLY CRAP I love shoes and handbags. Nordstrom Rack...drooooool. I would love black pumps with a curved heel, and a navy blue or grey handbag. Damn being a woman.

DAMN YOU

I hate that even when I think we have had a long phone conversation, it still is 5 minutes short of a normal phone conversation with your "oldest friend."

I hate that you smoke and have no desire to quit. It smells bad, makes you taste gross when I kiss you, makes me smell like smoke too, and makes me that you are self-centered, selfish, and weak for not caring enough about my opinion and feelings to quit.

I hate that you always leave me emotionally hanging.

I hate that you are sexy and attractive and that I cannot resist you.

DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT.

Grief

I am a stupid, stupid woman.

There is a man out there in the world who tells me that he loves me completely and wants nothing more from life than to make me happy. He tells me about plans and possibilities, for us to live together, pursue our careers, and build a life together. It sounds so perfect. I know that what I SHOULD do is say yes, accept it wholeheartedly, and just be happy. How often does a love like that come around? Some people never even get to experience it.

Why have I fallen for a bitter, older man? Who is sweet and also loves me and cares for me, but not in the same way, at least not yet? Love like that comes with time and shared experiences, right? (And shared struggles?) I feel like there is a part of him that is always not there, thinking about something else, with that faraway look in his eyes, distracted. Distracted with thoughts of what he needs to do, things pertaining to himself. I understand because I do the same thing, but I guess that's what it must feel like to whoever is with me. I want to be with him because we share an intellectual connection and his body is bangin'. Is that so bad? I feel like I want him to be mine. Am I making the biggest mistake of my life by choosing this man? I cried today, the kind of tears and heaving that come with unbridled grief. Grief for the end of the relationship, the loss of that connection and love. We both love each other, but why is that not enough, for me at least. What is wrong with me? Am I thinking too far ahead? Should I just live in the present and not worry about the future, and what kind of person I'm supposed to grow old with? Is this the idealism that comes with the naivete of youth?

Do I watch too many romantic movies? My life is NOT "The Notebook," dammit.

Hope?

What I want:

1) A stable, well-paying job, preferably at a library.
2) A nice place to live (alone?) and put my stuff.

What I found tonight:

1) A position in Richmond as a library assistant.
2) Pretty studios in Berkeley for about $800/month.

Can I swing this? Should I not get my hopes up?

OMG OMG OMG