Grief

I am a stupid, stupid woman.

There is a man out there in the world who tells me that he loves me completely and wants nothing more from life than to make me happy. He tells me about plans and possibilities, for us to live together, pursue our careers, and build a life together. It sounds so perfect. I know that what I SHOULD do is say yes, accept it wholeheartedly, and just be happy. How often does a love like that come around? Some people never even get to experience it.

Why have I fallen for a bitter, older man? Who is sweet and also loves me and cares for me, but not in the same way, at least not yet? Love like that comes with time and shared experiences, right? (And shared struggles?) I feel like there is a part of him that is always not there, thinking about something else, with that faraway look in his eyes, distracted. Distracted with thoughts of what he needs to do, things pertaining to himself. I understand because I do the same thing, but I guess that's what it must feel like to whoever is with me. I want to be with him because we share an intellectual connection and his body is bangin'. Is that so bad? I feel like I want him to be mine. Am I making the biggest mistake of my life by choosing this man? I cried today, the kind of tears and heaving that come with unbridled grief. Grief for the end of the relationship, the loss of that connection and love. We both love each other, but why is that not enough, for me at least. What is wrong with me? Am I thinking too far ahead? Should I just live in the present and not worry about the future, and what kind of person I'm supposed to grow old with? Is this the idealism that comes with the naivete of youth?

Do I watch too many romantic movies? My life is NOT "The Notebook," dammit.