Late Night Thoughts

That feeling of being completely unhinged and drowning in confusion and culture shock is finally subsiding a bit. I have found calm in the things that I found calm in before: quiet moments in coffee shops, exploring and finding new secret little places, settling into a routine, having rapport with my coworkers and leverage at my job(s), dreaming about future travels, sleeping in on Saturday mornings, absorbing sunlight while napping in my car or on a bench, etc.

I feel like I want to visit Thailand and Vietnam next, when I can. And of course Tibet in 2012 with Natalee. I find myself craving and consuming Thai and Vietnamese food quite frequently these days, because it is fresh and healthy, filling and cheap.

As they always eventually do, my priorities have cycled back to saving money in order to get settled. I guess I just go through phases after a big change when I have to get the energy out of my system and flop around like a fish, be a social butterfly, and find my niche. Which always ends up being contemplative solitude and quality time with my boy.

Things that make me happy no matter where I am (a possible redux of a previous posting, I feel):

- Coffee and sweets in a cafe with character
- Walks in parks
- Books and bookstores
- Delicious food in charming, inexpensive independent restaurants
- Shopping for wardrobe essentials
- Music and dancing

I went to Tapioca Express with my sister at midnight today. It felt like my Friday night because I don't have to work tomorrow. We played ferocious rounds of speed, consumed almond milk tea and peach milk pudding, shimmied to the beat of the bumping music, laughed our asses off. I love that we can have a great time sans alcohol and drugs.

Which will be more important in the long run? Who will I share my older days with? Who will I want to die in the arms of? The one I have clever conversations and exhilarating adventures with who fits my body perfectly? Or the one who treats me like a queen and with whom I have a unique, singular and irrevocable history of experiences, explorations, and self-discoveries?

I know who I should pick, but why do I want to pick the other one? Am I young and rash, and will I have regrets?

My 26th birthday is coming soon. I bought a short, curve-hugging, skankaliciously sophisticated black skirt to wear. I found a billowy green tank top to wear with it at Urban Outfitters, but it was expensive for what it was. Geng and I are going to the mall tomorrow to look for cheaper alternatives. I should wear clothes like this while I'm still in my 20s, young and bangin' enough to wear trendy, revealing clothing, show off my goodies, and get away with it without people thinking I'm old and desperate. This is my prime. Short, tight, with bright colors. In 4 years I'll have to lengthen hemlines, wear more tailored things, be less coy.

I'm moving back into my parents' house because living here feels like living there except that I have to pay rent. I might as well pay less and get fed. I need to continue to lessen my belongings to essentials. I don't need much. I am looking forward to having more spending money, running and working out, spending more time at the Sports Center and being on the side of town where it's nicer and closer to the places I frequent: Target, Sports Center, Paddy's. I'll have my old running loop back, I can bike to work, I will be in control. I will have money to buy makeup and contact lenses.

Places I have discovered I like since being back:

- Berkeley
- Santana Row in San Jose (The shopping reminds me of Japan and stores that I like/hope to buy things from when I can afford it someday are there: H&M, Urban Outfitters, Anthropologie, Lulu Lemon, BCBG Max Azria)
- San Leandro (Mon Cafe, Manor Library, Bay Trail- has character, not so commercialized hidden-gem-like establishments. OMG Nordstrom Rack. )

Things I want to do when Steve visits:

- Get Tap Ex
- Eat at Red Chili
- Explore Golden Gate Park as a newcomer without feeling stupid
- Go to Berkeley, meander Telegraph, check out used book stores, get Yogurt Park

I want to do these things with Chris, but I feel like it's very "been there, done that" with him. I want us to see and explore something new together. With Steve I feel un-self-conscious and at ease.

HOLY CRAP I love shoes and handbags. Nordstrom Rack...drooooool. I would love black pumps with a curved heel, and a navy blue or grey handbag. Damn being a woman.