The Current Game Plan

It's been a while. I have been back from Japan for 8 months.

I have moved back into my parents' house and it is strangely comfortable. I have enough to eat, it is clean, and I have all my stuff with me. I could do with more space and less things, but for now this will do.

I have quit working at Borders. I loved my co-workers, the discount, being exposed to new and interesting books while helping people, and being surrounded by books, but hated being on my feet, having to physically exert myself to the point of exhaustion for not enough money, and having to deal with annoying customers.

I work 3 positions within the City of Union City: Facility Manager at the Sports Center, "Paid Internship"/Maternity Leave training with Regina at the City Clerk's office, and receptions on the weekends. I am very happy with my jobs and hours right now, and the amount of respect I have garnered. I think I am a pretty hard worker, and I'm glad to see that that hard work is being rewarded with more hours and more pay.

I have too much shit. I look around my room and there are the boxes from Japan (as yet unpacked; still too painful and nowhere to put anything), piles of clothes, piles of books. I keep meaning to go through and get rid of the chaff, but it's so hard. I like my things and have emotional attachments to a lot of them. And I dread the task. As with most things, I'm sure once I start it will be no problem, but for now, I put it off. I hope I can get around to it; I know they are just material things and if I got rid of most of it I'm sure I wouldn't notice. But I was just going back reading old blog posts and realized with disgust that a lot of the things that make me happy involve material things. I hate double standards, yet why do I have them too?

Steve found out about me and Chris, via Facebook as usual. I really want to get rid of Facebook; it's nothing but trouble. But there are so many people that I wouldn't keep in touch with otherwise were it not for Facebook. Another double standard; I despise the concept of Facebook, the vanity and self-promotion of it, yet I use it. What is wrong with me? Despite everything, Steve STILL wants to be with me. I love him, but I feel like I have found a match in Chris. But then, I don't know sometimes. Sometimes I feel like he is the male version of me. Does that mean that he falls in love as easily as me, and just as easily out of it? Is he an "opportunist" who goes for what is convenient and within proximity, as Steve as called me? I wish for a pure, innocent love. Another double standard, considering my history. I keep trying to stop talking to Steve, but he is relentless in his contact, emotionally manipulative with self-pity and guilt, and I am a sucker for it.

I am addicted to Chris. Being with him makes me feel like floating. Is this infatuation? It's been a long time since I've felt this way, so I can't remember. I want to think it's deeper than that. But we haven't been through much hardship together yet. We have meals together as frequently as possible, we talk every day and try to see each other even if just for the free hour at lunch. I feel we are intellectually matched. The physical chemistry is mind-blowing. I think we are a very attractive couple. I feel wild and alive when I am with him. I am impulsive and active, and I don't know if this is good or bad, but so is he. We have decided on a whim (thanks to that wanderlust of mine and the great deals on Travelzoo.com) that we are going to Costa Rica at the end of May. I cannot express in words how excited I am about this trip. As a result of my experiences from the last 3 years, I feel more at home on the road or in the air than I do when I'm in one place. I could completely relate when I saw "Up in the Air" with Chris in Piedmont, after a charming date at Fenton's.

Is Steve right? Am I an opportunist? I feel really good about this thing with Chris, he makes me feel genuinely happy and makes me laugh. Or is it just good right now because it suits my lifestyle and it's easy. If we were to throw the wrench of hardship into the mix, how would we fare? Or am I just letting Steve's emotional manipulation get to me? Damn those psychology majors. Or does he just know me that well? GAAAAHHH.

I swear, I am a broken record. I'm sure this post sounds like every other post I've written in the past couple of months. This has gotta stop. Thank God this is a private blog.

I told Chris today over lunch at (the utterly shitty) Burrito Supremo (Los Dos Gallos across the street is better in my opinion, and frequented by friends of Mexican ethnicity. I hate to say it for fear of being race-oriented, but if people of the same ethnicity endorse the restaurant, it is probably good) that I felt stretched thin because I feel like I am held accountable to too many people. As much as I love my family, it was kind of nice being in Japan for 3 years and not feeling obliged to talk to them or hang out with them once a week. The calm and silence of living alone was bliss. But it was also isolating and lonely after a while. Give and take. I suppose part of being an adult is responsibility. So this desire to steal away and be a hermit, does that make me immature, the fact that I would rather not face reality?

I think the things I want are still the sa
- full time job (so I have enough money to travel and enjoy life)
- my own place to live (so that I can be a hermit when I choose)

That's pretty much it. I feel like I'm getting there, slowly but surely. I know money isn't happiness, but it sure does help alleviate stress and help one acheive goals.

I hope when I go back and read this post sometime in the future I'm not as shocked about my tone as I was tonight when I read blogs previous to this one. I startled myself with how I am equal parts arrogant and insecure, certain, and uncertain, and just overall immature-sounding.

I am currently arguing with Steve on Gmail, waiting for Chris to call me, and know I need to get to bed so that I can get up in the morning for work to open Sports Center at 5:15AM. I want to be productive tomorrow.

- Work
- Workout
- Do Taxes, Mail Off
- Apply for Cal Opps Job
- Go to SF to meet Gina and Jake for Doug's show at the Rickshaw

Tomorrow will be a good day.