Mid-Fall Evaluation

I'd forgotten about Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D. - What an appropriate acronym...) and the fact that I got it every year in Japan like clockwork. Or have I had it every winter of my life and just didn't realize it? Is S.A.D the reason why I feel like this right now? I'd also forgotten about how much I like to sit in the sun and how much comfort and what a sense of wholeness it brings to me.

I am sitting on the two front steps of my apartment in San Leandro. A lot has changed since my last post, which I checked on a whim at work yesterday, which I realize has also changed as of late.

I am working at the City Clerk's Office, 8AM - 6PM, M-F, with every other Friday off. Regina has been on maternity leave since mid-August. I very much dislike this job and can't wait to be finished, in 10 days exactly. I wrote a countdown in my planner yesterday, which was Election Day.

I'm actually at home sick with bronchitis today. I would have loved to take yesterday off, except that it was Election Day, and one of our office's primary functions. In hindsight, I don't think it matters whether I was there or not; the phone only rang about 10 times, everything else could have waited. Yesterday was excruciating. Actually, most days are excruciating. Being at the office for 10 hours each day of the week is horrible. Yes, we get every Friday off, but I really feel like I would rather work every day of the week but work less. I've never been one for an inundation of anything. I hate getting off of work so late, not getting to see the sun, being hungry and having only a few hours before I have to go to bed and do the whole damn thing over again the next day. I miss my Sports Center job, I miss the people, I miss being off on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and the solitary time it provided me. I hate crowds, and having those days off in the middle of the week allowed me to do thing without crowds. Being alone for so long in quiet Japan, which favors an introspective, quiet, isolated life has really done a number on my life rhythm. Despite being back for more than a year, I still feel the same: the United States are a loud, selfish, self-centered place.

That's not to say I haven't found things that I like to do. With the increase in pay (I also have benefits now...after not having them for so long, it's a weird new responsibility, both financially and logistically, but I suppose I should be grateful to have them), I have been able to fund things that I had to withhold from myself for so long. I dropped a ton of money at Urban Outfitters in my constant pursuit of being fashionable. I found out about the San Francisco Center for the Book (SFCB) through Marlene at work (what a beacon of light and a kind soul in such a dark bunker of a place) and have taken 2 classes there thus far: Autumn Color Palette with Andie Thrams, who was serene and wonderful and coincidentally friends with my old Scientific Illustration teacher Jenny Keller from UCSC; and Letterpress 1 with Mary Laird, who is artsy, hippie, and un-traditional and offered a refreshing counterbalance to my extremely traditional letterpress training. In SFCB, I have found my niche: this is what make the hours fly without weight, this is what makes me happy without condition. Mary Laird said that I should really pursue letterpress, she said that she sensed that I had the characteristics and qualities of a good printer: eye for detail, patience, tenacity. I just need to find a way to fund this; these classes are not cheap. I got in touch with Paul Ritscher recently as well, and he was very encouraging. As I've said before, the things I do are for these things, the pursuit of what makes me happy. Art, letterpress, nature, cafes. I wish I was more pragmatic sometimes, but this is what it is.

I am still with Chris, we celebrated our one year anniversary on September 11th. It was quite nice, and our exchange of gifts melted my heart. We were in the Bayfair BART parking lot, but no matter: the beautiful earrings and necklace he gifted me from a small boutique in Oakland and the Potrero Hill whiskey and photo album I gave him made were a really rare, wonderful moment in our relationship's history. It's so hard to get an emotional response out of him, or even honest confessions, so reading the card he wrote and actually getting to look him in the eyes in a way that is hard on a day to day basis, with how busy he is and so hurried and focused on the next thing he is, and how averse he is to memorializing things, was just NICE. We spent the day in SF, at Samovar Tea Lounge, as recommended by Susan, then a jaunt through the Museum of Modern Art, which I loved, I hadn't been there in so long. But even then, I felt a disconnect; he was so focused on the art that it felt that he forgot that I was there. Kind of like at the Arcade Fire concert we went to in Berkeley the other month: he was so moved by the music, as was I, that he forgot that I was there, trying to sway and dance with him. I know horoscopes aren't everything, but should it be cautionary that his Sagittarius horoscope basically suggests the opposite of what I desire in a relationship: a priority for independence and one self, constant activity, disloyalty, a woman-magnet? Of course he has good qualities, but I find myself often feeling hurt, or cast aside. It could also have something to do with the fact that for his age his is immature, is a sheep and susceptible to everyone's opinions and is easily swayed, but never listens to me, and never gives me credit for what I have done. Which he counters with that I am too needy, require too much time, am too hung up on things like that. Well, I feel like he doesn't take things seriously, is actually really fucking lazy (he does a lot but accomplishes nothing, sometimes), and why does he not want to spend time with me? He says he has responsibilities, but everyone does. I think he might just really suck at prioritizing his time. This is just me venting, I care about him a lot, but he infuriates me to no end at times. When he has plenty of free time, he is attentive and we have a great time together. But when he's stressed, he can't deal with it, and I feel like I am the one to get pushed away first. Is it wrong that I got really upset that I had bronchitis and wanted to be taken care of while he was off drinking with his friends? Which normally I wouldn't care (even though they're fat as shit and I don't know why he finds their repetitive, inane blather so fascinating anyway...I do like Zach though, he's cool), but how often does one's girlfriend get bronchitis and need some care? It was bad timing, but I have a feeling that I am never going to be the #1 priority in his life, which (ha, even the horoscope said this), is something I need. Apparently I am the Venus of the horoscope, demanding men bow to my every whim. When I am well and active, we have fun together, but I noticed he has a hard time slowing down for me. And it's not really for me. It's really hard to explain, but I feel like the things he does he does because I'm his girlfriend, a generic girlfriend, nothing done especially for me, for JO. He does things because that's what he's supposed to do. He doesn't adjust to make me feel singular and special. I think this is something I'm just going to have to deal with, or else live without. But God, the thought of living without that handsome, broad-chested, dark-haired witty thing is a difficult one. Is this what lust is?

I started talking to Steve again. I find that I talk to him when Chris isn't enough emotionally. He calms me down, comforts me, knows ME. He pointed out yesterday that when work too much and get stressed out I get really sick. He's a nurturer. It's the same shit though, just not attracted to his body. But maybe at some point in one's life that doesn't matter anymore? The thought of the things we've done, or the things I'd like to do, all seem singular and special and for US when I think about doing them with him. He invited me to a show and I sort of want to go. I know at least it will be about us, or at least he will be focused on me, WHILE enjoying the music. Did I just leave him for Chris because Chris is more attractive and the type of guy I have set up as an ideal, and because he was here? GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, stupid patterns aagggggh. I think I just need to learn to trust Chris, he loves me, this is just the way he does it.

I will start working my first full-time job right after Thanksgiving. I'm going to be the administrative assistant at Kennedy Community Center. I was really looking forward to going back to the Sports Center, but this is what happened, and I am just going to go with it. Maybe I will be happier with a better schedule, with a job that requires more social interaction (working at the Clerk is like being alone 10 hours a day, with an imperious supervisor flogging you), and if I end up having that 7:30-4:30 shift, then I'll have time to enjoy the sun after work, get into running again, and still will be able to fund my apartment (which I am happy to have), my hobbies, etc. I plan on exercising after work (bike or run), and then would like to start volunteering at SFCB and take classes. How I love putting type away.

I'm taking Spanish conversation classes right now (Spanish for Work and Fun) with Ilva Salamanca at Chabot, which are great, a bit slow and too easy, but I don't speak at all, so it's a good activity. We have a good group and the teacher is so sweet. But I don't want to learn Spanish because I feel like I HAVE TO, not because I WANT TO. Also bugs me that Chris and his dumb crazy whore of a best friend have used that as their language of weird fucked up love. I forgot where I read that if I stay with a Cancer (Steve), I will accomplish a lot of goals. I wonder if it's because it never feels like a competition with him, whereas with Chris it always does, and never in my favor, and never to my credit.

Yes, three things that will hopefully bring increased happiness:
1) Better work schedule and going back to the Leisure Department
2) Running after work
3) Getting more involved at SFCB.

I just feel like I'm going to lose him if I don't keep maintaining it. I already feel like he's slipping through my grip. I hate that he has so many close female mentors at work, why can't he hang out with dudes like normal men? Why can't his closest cousins be men? That Measure Z tax passed in San Leandro (as I predicted but hoped against), which means that his favorite co-worker who is crazy and he idolizes her will keep her job, as will he, and he will quit working at UCLS, and I'll know even LESS of what's going on with him. I feel like our relationship is tenuous, constantly hanging by a thread, which I'm sure he doesn't mind or doesn't even notice, but which is a cause of constant distress for me. I just want all his attention, is that too much to ask? I want to not have to worry about what he's doing. I want it to be he and I. Which it will never be. I know I just have to trust him, but my heart is constantly in a state of unrest. Will he leave me for someone who piques his interest more, or who challenges his mind more, or who is more attractive? Because he can. I just want to feel secure.

I am pretty unhappy right now. But this sun, this day off, tending to the plants this morning, and thinking about painting my toenails eases the unhappiness. I hope it is just S.A.D. 10 more days of Clerk. Upcoming trip to Boston with your boy, when you will have him to yourself for 5 days. New job soon. Hang in there.