Moving

Last weekend to move. STRESS.

Hope I'm making the right decision here. I never spend time at my apartment because I want to be with Chris, but I do love our apartment when I'm there. I guess it represents independence and personal, creative space. But in moving in with Chris, I'll be saving a lot of money, and not be "keeping a place on the side," as he calls it. I've rented out a small storage space. I think I'm just ready to have my own place, but it's not really financially feasible here in the Bay Area, and with my salary, and with the debts I need to pay off. But I will be patient; hopefully we will have our own place in the future, and it will finally feel like home: my home, OUR home, with our things. I'm grateful and lucky to be living in Chris' parents house without having to pay rent, but I guess being surrounded by things that aren't mine, which have been essentially abandoned by their owners, and feeling like I can't really touch or rearrange anything except for perishable goods is quite frustrating. But I have to be grateful for what I have, and be patient for when we can have our own space and place. Remember, you love him. Do this for him, as repayment for everything he has done for you.

Sometimes I do wonder how everything would be right now had I gone in a different direction. Would I be living somewhere else, with someone else, in a different place? But would I be as happy, having to spend a lot of money on living and with someone else that isn't as interesting as he is? Sometimes he infuriates me with his Peter-Pan syndrome, wanting to live here forever and scoffing at my desire to have our own place because it would be expensive, and how it is satisfying to me to be able to earn and achieve something, as opposed to have it handed to me, which isn't a bad thing, but I feel like struggling builds character and creates appreciation. I will lay low and get everything together. I keep saying I will, I feel like I say that so often. But now is really the chance, without having to pay rent, with all my possessions in one place. I should spend this next year:

1) Paying off debts
2) Streamlining my possessions (for real this time; and limited purchasing - spend time on perfecting what you already have)
3) Saving up money and getting ready for the next big thing in my life (wedding, grad school?)

With that said though, we have just spontaneously planned a fall trip to Seattle over the long Labor Day weekend. It's hard to get the wanderlust out of my system. But this trip feels right. We'll be celebrating our 2 year anniversary, checking out University of Washington as potential grad school for me, and scoping out a possible future living place. We noticed that we have been taking one international and one domestic trip a year. Last year it was Costa Rica and Boston. This year it will be Nepal and Seattle. I like it and hope we can keep it up, funds persisting. Definitely something we wouldn't be able to do if we lived elsewhere where we had to pay rent and have more responsibilities. So I am definitely grateful for this situation. In hindsight I'm sure it will be just as life was intended to happen. It all works out in the end.

Brilliant One-Ingredient Ice Cream from thekitchn.com. Plan to try later with our old bananas. A hopeful tidbit of happiness for today.

Otherwise, slept in, read the paper, procrastinating from packing. Still recovering from my LEEP cervix treatment two weeks ago. The fatigue and bleeding have been interminable, combined with the stress of moving and helplessness of not being able to do any heavy lifting due to the procedure. That, and not being able to get it on. Can't wait until all of this is over. As much as I have disliked my job, I am grateful for their understanding and giving me the time off I need. Another thing to appreciate.

Just taking it a day at time, as my parents and sister are with the water pipe disaster at the house, another thing to worry about. It is forcing them to clean and renovate, and I will have to liquidate my room when it comes time to do the upstairs carpet. But as my parents have said, we will deal with these things as opportunities for cleaning and change, as opposed to a negative, disastrous situation. God, I sound so Catholic. Years and year of those damn homilies, apparently seeped into my thinking processes, the necessity of finding meaning and purpose in everything that happens.

Here's to a good day*