Only in Japan...

would I probably learn how to fold an origami chopstick case and how to use an abacus in the same night.

This evening, Bucho-san (the head of the the Board of Education) invited a bunch of us over to his house for a BBQ party. It was really fun, and it's these kinds of things, just normal events of a daily Japanese life, that I enjoy best. We grilled meat and veggies, had a lot of good conversation, then headed indoors so we could have some coffee and fruit. While we watched videos of Bucho's grandkids, his sweet wife presented me with some of the chopstick cases she made and then proceeded to teach me how to make them. They're really simple to make but so beautiful. Or maybe I just really like things made by hand, or anything that harkens back to old times.

Then she brought out the abacus, which in Japanese is called "soroban." When she used it, her fingers were amazingly swift. She tried to teach me and I totally didn't get it at first. I'd only ever seen abacuses, but never actually used one. Then Bucho-san explained to me in Japanese that it was 1s, 10s, 100s, etc. and it clicked. I still had to go home and look it up on the internet to learn how to use it, but it's moments like that that make me really happy. The things I love best are really things that people use their hands for. Letterpress printing, origami, making tea or coffee, now learning how to use an abacus. I want to learn how to play the piano again. It's really funny because I remember back in high school we took a career test and I was so pissed off because mine said that I should be a farmer or landscape architect because I liked to work with my hands and had an eye for detail. And at the time I scoffed at the idea, since I wanted to do something literature related. But it all makes sense now, because it's true. And maybe I don't want to be a farmer or a landscape architect, but I love working with my hands and do really love paying attention to details. I guess those things can be pretty accurate after all.

Anyway, here's the website that made how to use a soroban more clear to me:

SOROBAN

I think I'm going to try to track one down soon. What a fascinating tool. Ah, speaking of which, an interesting article from Forbes Magazine circa 2005 about the 20 Most Important Tools Ever. Includes the abacus.

Really content with life right now except for loneliness. I think I've ruined the best thing I ever had and am really kicking myself over it. Let me just tell you if you find love, do everything you can to keep it. I guess it took me messing up to realize what a treasure I had, and I guess I'm holding out hope that one day maybe I can earn it back. I was reading a fortune from a shrine we had visited together when he visited Japan last October, and it gave my heart a little bit of peace to read, "If you wait quietly, without impatience, all will go as you wish." So for now, I'm waiting and trying to be the best person I can be, whatever that means I guess. The things feelings I've felt lately are debilitating, and let me tell you that losing something like that is traumatic, even if I'm the one who messed up.

For now, I've been focusing on doing the things (or looking into doing the things) I've wanted to do, like Japanese calligraphy, taking up a musical instrument, running again, doing origami, trying to gain fluency in Japanese, throwing myself into my job (because I want these kids to remember me and to have a good impression about foreigners, if hanging out with me is shaping their perception...), etc. As a new friend of mine recently told me, "Nobody's perfect, but that doesn't mean we can't stop trying our best to improve ourselves and also to forgive people for their faults." Wise words from a wise man. I haven't been a religious person lately but I've always been really spritual, and is it weird that when I met this guy, I swear it was like looking to and talking to Jesus? I probably sound like a nutcase right now, but it was comforting in a way that I really needed at the time.

Other than all that, just thinking every day about whether I'm going to stay a 3rd year or not. Life is generally good right now, but I feel like something is missing and I haven't figured it out yet. I love Japan and I love my life here and all the opportunities I have to learn so many things, and the kindness of the people is unparalleled. It's the little things, like the teachers who offer me a small orange or a cup of tea when I look really tired, or how people bend over backwards to help other people out, and just the general effort to give everything you have into what you do. I know I'm going to miss Japan dearly when I leave, and I already know that when I return to the States, perhaps no one will really understand everything I've experienced. And of course they can't and of course I love and miss everyone still. But I guess it's going to be a private battle on the inside, dealing with feelings and being overwhelmed, and not being able to explain things to people because some things about my experience here just can't be explained unless you've experienced it yourself.

I'm leaning towards not recontracting because it really wasn't supposed to be a question. And I feel like even though I like the job okay now, I don't know if I could handle a whole other year of the same thing. There are moments when I love my job and I love the kids and teachers, and moments when I realize that this is an amazing experience, being able to work so closely with these people and learn so much about Japanese culture firsthand, but then there's moments where I realize there are things I'm just sick of and will be relieved when it's over. There are only a few things, but above all, I feel like I need to be with my sister and support her and just be there when she needs me. She's going to college next year and I still remember when she was a baby and crawled into my lap so I could read books to her. It's frightening how quickly time passes and I want to slow it down for a while. Also, my friend Dan is applying to Oxford and asked me to check his writing samples for him and it made me immensely happy a) to read real, academic english! and b) to do something I enjoy and think I'm relatively good at. If I returned to the States I envision myself picking up an editing job to see if I like it, perhaps living in the Central Coast area, doing letterpress on the side. But I hate the idea of leaving Japan. It's weird, the feeling of missing America when I'm here and missing Japan when I'm in America. I feel like I don't know where home is anymore.

But like I said, all in all life is good. It's doesn't feel complete and I have many regrets, but I'm alive and am learning lots of new things, I have good friends, I can speak a bit of Japanese, my family and friends back home (as far as I know) are healthy and well. I can't ask for much else, really, except that what will be will be (in Japanese, なるよになる）。If I've learned nothing else here, I have learned to let go and trust that whatever life has in store for me will come in the future. It's how I've learned to deal with the pain and troublesome situations that life brings sometimes, and that everything has a meaning and a purpose, and only later in hindsight can we really see why it had to happen that way. It takes a lot to shake me these days, if anything.

This weekend should be good. I'm planning on sleeping in, working on recovering from this cold I've had, doing laundry, studying for the Japanese Proficiency Test I have coming up in December, and just enjoying a pretty mundane couple of days. But it's been so busy and crazy lately that I'm really excited about it. I feel like I've spent my entire life running around trying to accomplish things and do things, and now I just want to slow down and focus.

Apologies for this long-winded rant of a post. I don't know if it's the weather getting colder or what, but I've been overwhelmed with a lot of thoughts and feelings lately, and I for some reason typing them out helps a little bit. I'm really okay, you don't have to worry about me, but it's just nice to get the thoughts out sometimes.