久しぶりですね。

It's been a long time since I posted to this blog. I originally wanted to update this blog properly to the present date, but I think it might be near-impossible. So I'll just pick up right where I left off. I'm now in my third year of the JET Programme in Japan. I originally had chosen not to recontract, but after a fantastic and very moving trip to Cambodia with the "voluntourism" organization PEPY during which I had a lot of time for thinking and soul-searching, I changed my mind and decided to stay a third year. However, I changed my mind after the deadline and ended up having to transfer from Uki City Board of Education to Kumamoto City. It was both gut-wrenching and a blur; I had to say goodbye to two years of setting up foundations and relationships in Japan, but it was even harder because I was still in here, just not with the people and in the place I had come to love in Uki City. It was a blur because having to move and get re-acculturated at new schools was insanely stressful and made me feel like I was back at the bottom again. But I'm glad I did it. It didn't feel completely right to leave last year.

Nor does it feel completely right to be leaving this year either, but as my friend Natalee put it, "if I don't leave now, I don't know when I ever will." All of the friends I made from my first year here are leaving too. I remember when I first came to Japan and everything seemed exciting and perfect and on a pedestal. Last year I had a yearning to stay. This year I know I could stay if I really wanted to, but I feel more ready to leave. I didn't want to hate Japan (I don't think I ever could), but I wanted the rose-colored glasses to fade away, which I feel like they finally have. Now, three years on, I can see Japan for everything it is: the good things, the bad things, the things that are completely unique to this country, the things that I realize I can never have or do in this country. Japan is a phenomenal place, and the idealism I had for it has finally ground away into the both positive and negative reality, which makes me love and respect this place even more. But it's time to go. I will be finishing my contract in August and going home. It's a completely bittersweet feeling: I love Japan and know I have an amazing life here. I love the unselfish generosity and kindness of the people I have met and am grateful for all the things I've learned about others, life, and myself. I love Japanese food and the way Japanese people really enjoy eating. But I feel ready to move on, for a few reasons. I would like to decide what I'm going to do for the future, since I can't be an ALT forever. I promised my family I would only stay in Japan for 1 year, and it has turned into 3. And although there are amazing days and amazing students, I am burned out of my job. I read an article today that made me realize one of the reasons why:

Some Thoughts on the Lost Art of Reading Aloud

A bit of a tangent from the article itself, but it reminded me of things that were important to me that I had forgotten about...the meaning and beauty behind words when strung together as stories and poems, and as the article says, how the words come alive when read aloud.

At my job, I'm often asked to organize fun games that will make the students like English, and to have the students repeat the soul-less textbook after me so that they can hear my pronunciation. While reading this article though, I realized why I need to move on from this job: in the strict, exam-driven Japanese junior high school system, I wish I could encourage the students to read aloud and struggle with the words themselves and introduce them to English in context, but there seems to be no time, and I'm not sure if there's any interest. As for myself, I never learned any language just by playing games...At the very least, we can remember for ourselves the "lost art of reading aloud."

So while I will miss Japan, I will miss my beautiful apartment, and the exciting exoticness of living abroad, it's time to move on and find a job that will utilize my skills and interests to their full potential. At the JET Returners' Conference I attended in March, one of the speakers, a JET alumna named Anne Koller said wisely, "Japan isn't everything...there is a big world out there."
She's right, but it will still be hard to say goodbye. Who knows, maybe I'll be back someday if it's in the cards. In any case, I'm excited to see where life will take me next.