Things are good right now:
1) Planning our WEDDING. Stressful but fun too. Feeling very productive.
2) Applied for some jobs. Makes me feel hopeful. Trying to be nice and part of the team at work in the meantime.
3) Good friends. Hanging out with Gina, Les, Geng, David, Andrew & Subechya, Kristen, Regina, and other people, going out, hanging out, and talking is fun, makes me feel fulfilled.
I feel like I am finally settling into my life back in the U.S. Finding places I like to hang out (Berkeley, SF, Alameda, San Jose), keeping a close knit social circle, being in a good relationship, developing my style, home life, aesthetic, finding ways to be flexible with the bad stuff. Making plans for travel (looks like we try to do one domestic, one international each year and I like it).
It's good right now, and I'm glad to say it.
3.06.2012
9.13.2011
"You've got to find what you love"
Old, but still good, from Steve Jobs:
http://news.stanford.edu/news/2005/june15/jobs-061505.html
http://news.stanford.edu/news/2005/june15/jobs-061505.html
9.10.2011
Slump
I am not happy. We just got back from Seattle, and I am dissatisfied with my life. I hate living in this house, I feel like I am suffocating a slow death of stagnation with no hope of independence in sight. But I stay because I love him and want to be with him. I hate my job, I could give a shit about helping people with their stupid inquiries.
I am going to do the SFCB Certificate Program in bookbinding. I will talk to the instructor about her experience at North Bennet School in Boston. Maybe I will apply.
I will apply to UW Museology Program.
I will keep volunteering at Oakland Museum. I should try to get a more regular stint at a gallery. But I feel like having tangible hard skills in bookbinding and press will help.
I should study design to help round out my skills, as I lack experience and knowledge in design.
I will continue to work at my shitty job because it is full time and has benefits, and I will use the money I make to save up for these endeavors, and our wedding. And I do need to go to the doctor.
This is a just a rough patch. Things will get better.
Just saw the previous post, how nothing has changed, I still want to do that, but I have been getting away from my goals. Gotta get back.
I am going to do the SFCB Certificate Program in bookbinding. I will talk to the instructor about her experience at North Bennet School in Boston. Maybe I will apply.
I will apply to UW Museology Program.
I will keep volunteering at Oakland Museum. I should try to get a more regular stint at a gallery. But I feel like having tangible hard skills in bookbinding and press will help.
I should study design to help round out my skills, as I lack experience and knowledge in design.
I will continue to work at my shitty job because it is full time and has benefits, and I will use the money I make to save up for these endeavors, and our wedding. And I do need to go to the doctor.
This is a just a rough patch. Things will get better.
Just saw the previous post, how nothing has changed, I still want to do that, but I have been getting away from my goals. Gotta get back.
8.01.2011
*Lightbulb Moment*
When I grow up, I'm going to be an ARCHIVIST!
Whether that means going the MLIS library route or the Museum Studies route, I'm cool with either. But I just figured it out and it MAKES SENSE!
Here's to putting the pieces together, and a sense of renewed purpose.
Whether that means going the MLIS library route or the Museum Studies route, I'm cool with either. But I just figured it out and it MAKES SENSE!
Here's to putting the pieces together, and a sense of renewed purpose.
6.25.2011
Moving
Last weekend to move. STRESS.
Hope I'm making the right decision here. I never spend time at my apartment because I want to be with Chris, but I do love our apartment when I'm there. I guess it represents independence and personal, creative space. But in moving in with Chris, I'll be saving a lot of money, and not be "keeping a place on the side," as he calls it. I've rented out a small storage space. I think I'm just ready to have my own place, but it's not really financially feasible here in the Bay Area, and with my salary, and with the debts I need to pay off. But I will be patient; hopefully we will have our own place in the future, and it will finally feel like home: my home, OUR home, with our things. I'm grateful and lucky to be living in Chris' parents house without having to pay rent, but I guess being surrounded by things that aren't mine, which have been essentially abandoned by their owners, and feeling like I can't really touch or rearrange anything except for perishable goods is quite frustrating. But I have to be grateful for what I have, and be patient for when we can have our own space and place. Remember, you love him. Do this for him, as repayment for everything he has done for you.
Sometimes I do wonder how everything would be right now had I gone in a different direction. Would I be living somewhere else, with someone else, in a different place? But would I be as happy, having to spend a lot of money on living and with someone else that isn't as interesting as he is? Sometimes he infuriates me with his Peter-Pan syndrome, wanting to live here forever and scoffing at my desire to have our own place because it would be expensive, and how it is satisfying to me to be able to earn and achieve something, as opposed to have it handed to me, which isn't a bad thing, but I feel like struggling builds character and creates appreciation. I will lay low and get everything together. I keep saying I will, I feel like I say that so often. But now is really the chance, without having to pay rent, with all my possessions in one place. I should spend this next year:
1) Paying off debts
2) Streamlining my possessions (for real this time; and limited purchasing - spend time on perfecting what you already have)
3) Saving up money and getting ready for the next big thing in my life (wedding, grad school?)
With that said though, we have just spontaneously planned a fall trip to Seattle over the long Labor Day weekend. It's hard to get the wanderlust out of my system. But this trip feels right. We'll be celebrating our 2 year anniversary, checking out University of Washington as potential grad school for me, and scoping out a possible future living place. We noticed that we have been taking one international and one domestic trip a year. Last year it was Costa Rica and Boston. This year it will be Nepal and Seattle. I like it and hope we can keep it up, funds persisting. Definitely something we wouldn't be able to do if we lived elsewhere where we had to pay rent and have more responsibilities. So I am definitely grateful for this situation. In hindsight I'm sure it will be just as life was intended to happen. It all works out in the end.
Brilliant One-Ingredient Ice Cream from thekitchn.com. Plan to try later with our old bananas. A hopeful tidbit of happiness for today.
Otherwise, slept in, read the paper, procrastinating from packing. Still recovering from my LEEP cervix treatment two weeks ago. The fatigue and bleeding have been interminable, combined with the stress of moving and helplessness of not being able to do any heavy lifting due to the procedure. That, and not being able to get it on. Can't wait until all of this is over. As much as I have disliked my job, I am grateful for their understanding and giving me the time off I need. Another thing to appreciate.
Just taking it a day at time, as my parents and sister are with the water pipe disaster at the house, another thing to worry about. It is forcing them to clean and renovate, and I will have to liquidate my room when it comes time to do the upstairs carpet. But as my parents have said, we will deal with these things as opportunities for cleaning and change, as opposed to a negative, disastrous situation. God, I sound so Catholic. Years and year of those damn homilies, apparently seeped into my thinking processes, the necessity of finding meaning and purpose in everything that happens.
Here's to a good day*
Hope I'm making the right decision here. I never spend time at my apartment because I want to be with Chris, but I do love our apartment when I'm there. I guess it represents independence and personal, creative space. But in moving in with Chris, I'll be saving a lot of money, and not be "keeping a place on the side," as he calls it. I've rented out a small storage space. I think I'm just ready to have my own place, but it's not really financially feasible here in the Bay Area, and with my salary, and with the debts I need to pay off. But I will be patient; hopefully we will have our own place in the future, and it will finally feel like home: my home, OUR home, with our things. I'm grateful and lucky to be living in Chris' parents house without having to pay rent, but I guess being surrounded by things that aren't mine, which have been essentially abandoned by their owners, and feeling like I can't really touch or rearrange anything except for perishable goods is quite frustrating. But I have to be grateful for what I have, and be patient for when we can have our own space and place. Remember, you love him. Do this for him, as repayment for everything he has done for you.
Sometimes I do wonder how everything would be right now had I gone in a different direction. Would I be living somewhere else, with someone else, in a different place? But would I be as happy, having to spend a lot of money on living and with someone else that isn't as interesting as he is? Sometimes he infuriates me with his Peter-Pan syndrome, wanting to live here forever and scoffing at my desire to have our own place because it would be expensive, and how it is satisfying to me to be able to earn and achieve something, as opposed to have it handed to me, which isn't a bad thing, but I feel like struggling builds character and creates appreciation. I will lay low and get everything together. I keep saying I will, I feel like I say that so often. But now is really the chance, without having to pay rent, with all my possessions in one place. I should spend this next year:
1) Paying off debts
2) Streamlining my possessions (for real this time; and limited purchasing - spend time on perfecting what you already have)
3) Saving up money and getting ready for the next big thing in my life (wedding, grad school?)
With that said though, we have just spontaneously planned a fall trip to Seattle over the long Labor Day weekend. It's hard to get the wanderlust out of my system. But this trip feels right. We'll be celebrating our 2 year anniversary, checking out University of Washington as potential grad school for me, and scoping out a possible future living place. We noticed that we have been taking one international and one domestic trip a year. Last year it was Costa Rica and Boston. This year it will be Nepal and Seattle. I like it and hope we can keep it up, funds persisting. Definitely something we wouldn't be able to do if we lived elsewhere where we had to pay rent and have more responsibilities. So I am definitely grateful for this situation. In hindsight I'm sure it will be just as life was intended to happen. It all works out in the end.
Brilliant One-Ingredient Ice Cream from thekitchn.com. Plan to try later with our old bananas. A hopeful tidbit of happiness for today.
Otherwise, slept in, read the paper, procrastinating from packing. Still recovering from my LEEP cervix treatment two weeks ago. The fatigue and bleeding have been interminable, combined with the stress of moving and helplessness of not being able to do any heavy lifting due to the procedure. That, and not being able to get it on. Can't wait until all of this is over. As much as I have disliked my job, I am grateful for their understanding and giving me the time off I need. Another thing to appreciate.
Just taking it a day at time, as my parents and sister are with the water pipe disaster at the house, another thing to worry about. It is forcing them to clean and renovate, and I will have to liquidate my room when it comes time to do the upstairs carpet. But as my parents have said, we will deal with these things as opportunities for cleaning and change, as opposed to a negative, disastrous situation. God, I sound so Catholic. Years and year of those damn homilies, apparently seeped into my thinking processes, the necessity of finding meaning and purpose in everything that happens.
Here's to a good day*
6.11.2011
Lately
- In the process of moving in with Chris, feels good.
- Oh, ENGAGED, by the way! (May 10)
- Not really loving my job at UCLS as administrative assistant at Kennedy Center, but am doing it because it's pretty chill, full time, with benefits. Work to live, as they say.
- Looking into Museum Studies Programs for Fall 2012, but after reading an interesting article, am now considering just volunteering at a museum, taking art classes at SFCB and Kala Institute, and maybe doing graduate work in Art History, for a specialization? *Moment of Realization*
Am currently enjoying:
- Fridays off
- Watching lots of movies with Chris
- Going to Berkeley for any reason (movies, eating, shopping, nature)
- Getting to know California better, taking weekend trips to cool places
- Poking around researching for wedding stuff (!) This blogger will probably soon turn into a wedding research journal...
Things that will make me happy:
- More involvement in the arts (hands on, career, volunteer, whatever)
- Hanging out outdoors more (Mission Peak, hikes, etc.)
- Saving money and paying off debts by moving in with Chris.
Will be relieved when the move is done, debts are paid off, and summer is over at UCLS (peak busy time), but on the bright side, it makes the work day go by quickly.
On the whole. thinking about it at this very moment, life is good. I should be very grateful.
- Oh, ENGAGED, by the way! (May 10)
- Not really loving my job at UCLS as administrative assistant at Kennedy Center, but am doing it because it's pretty chill, full time, with benefits. Work to live, as they say.
- Looking into Museum Studies Programs for Fall 2012, but after reading an interesting article, am now considering just volunteering at a museum, taking art classes at SFCB and Kala Institute, and maybe doing graduate work in Art History, for a specialization? *Moment of Realization*
Am currently enjoying:
- Fridays off
- Watching lots of movies with Chris
- Going to Berkeley for any reason (movies, eating, shopping, nature)
- Getting to know California better, taking weekend trips to cool places
- Poking around researching for wedding stuff (!) This blogger will probably soon turn into a wedding research journal...
Things that will make me happy:
- More involvement in the arts (hands on, career, volunteer, whatever)
- Hanging out outdoors more (Mission Peak, hikes, etc.)
- Saving money and paying off debts by moving in with Chris.
Will be relieved when the move is done, debts are paid off, and summer is over at UCLS (peak busy time), but on the bright side, it makes the work day go by quickly.
On the whole. thinking about it at this very moment, life is good. I should be very grateful.
3.08.2011
Happiness is...
- A warm, milky cup of chai tea the morning after a huge Indian food feast
- Falling asleep and waking up next to the smooth skin, warmth, and strong muscles of my sweet man.
- Falling asleep and waking up next to the smooth skin, warmth, and strong muscles of my sweet man.
11.03.2010
Mid-Fall Evaluation
I'd forgotten about Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D. - What an appropriate acronym...) and the fact that I got it every year in Japan like clockwork. Or have I had it every winter of my life and just didn't realize it? Is S.A.D the reason why I feel like this right now? I'd also forgotten about how much I like to sit in the sun and how much comfort and what a sense of wholeness it brings to me.
I am sitting on the two front steps of my apartment in San Leandro. A lot has changed since my last post, which I checked on a whim at work yesterday, which I realize has also changed as of late.
I am working at the City Clerk's Office, 8AM - 6PM, M-F, with every other Friday off. Regina has been on maternity leave since mid-August. I very much dislike this job and can't wait to be finished, in 10 days exactly. I wrote a countdown in my planner yesterday, which was Election Day.
I'm actually at home sick with bronchitis today. I would have loved to take yesterday off, except that it was Election Day, and one of our office's primary functions. In hindsight, I don't think it matters whether I was there or not; the phone only rang about 10 times, everything else could have waited. Yesterday was excruciating. Actually, most days are excruciating. Being at the office for 10 hours each day of the week is horrible. Yes, we get every Friday off, but I really feel like I would rather work every day of the week but work less. I've never been one for an inundation of anything. I hate getting off of work so late, not getting to see the sun, being hungry and having only a few hours before I have to go to bed and do the whole damn thing over again the next day. I miss my Sports Center job, I miss the people, I miss being off on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and the solitary time it provided me. I hate crowds, and having those days off in the middle of the week allowed me to do thing without crowds. Being alone for so long in quiet Japan, which favors an introspective, quiet, isolated life has really done a number on my life rhythm. Despite being back for more than a year, I still feel the same: the United States are a loud, selfish, self-centered place.
That's not to say I haven't found things that I like to do. With the increase in pay (I also have benefits now...after not having them for so long, it's a weird new responsibility, both financially and logistically, but I suppose I should be grateful to have them), I have been able to fund things that I had to withhold from myself for so long. I dropped a ton of money at Urban Outfitters in my constant pursuit of being fashionable. I found out about the San Francisco Center for the Book (SFCB) through Marlene at work (what a beacon of light and a kind soul in such a dark bunker of a place) and have taken 2 classes there thus far: Autumn Color Palette with Andie Thrams, who was serene and wonderful and coincidentally friends with my old Scientific Illustration teacher Jenny Keller from UCSC; and Letterpress 1 with Mary Laird, who is artsy, hippie, and un-traditional and offered a refreshing counterbalance to my extremely traditional letterpress training. In SFCB, I have found my niche: this is what make the hours fly without weight, this is what makes me happy without condition. Mary Laird said that I should really pursue letterpress, she said that she sensed that I had the characteristics and qualities of a good printer: eye for detail, patience, tenacity. I just need to find a way to fund this; these classes are not cheap. I got in touch with Paul Ritscher recently as well, and he was very encouraging. As I've said before, the things I do are for these things, the pursuit of what makes me happy. Art, letterpress, nature, cafes. I wish I was more pragmatic sometimes, but this is what it is.
I am still with Chris, we celebrated our one year anniversary on September 11th. It was quite nice, and our exchange of gifts melted my heart. We were in the Bayfair BART parking lot, but no matter: the beautiful earrings and necklace he gifted me from a small boutique in Oakland and the Potrero Hill whiskey and photo album I gave him made were a really rare, wonderful moment in our relationship's history. It's so hard to get an emotional response out of him, or even honest confessions, so reading the card he wrote and actually getting to look him in the eyes in a way that is hard on a day to day basis, with how busy he is and so hurried and focused on the next thing he is, and how averse he is to memorializing things, was just NICE. We spent the day in SF, at Samovar Tea Lounge, as recommended by Susan, then a jaunt through the Museum of Modern Art, which I loved, I hadn't been there in so long. But even then, I felt a disconnect; he was so focused on the art that it felt that he forgot that I was there. Kind of like at the Arcade Fire concert we went to in Berkeley the other month: he was so moved by the music, as was I, that he forgot that I was there, trying to sway and dance with him. I know horoscopes aren't everything, but should it be cautionary that his Sagittarius horoscope basically suggests the opposite of what I desire in a relationship: a priority for independence and one self, constant activity, disloyalty, a woman-magnet? Of course he has good qualities, but I find myself often feeling hurt, or cast aside. It could also have something to do with the fact that for his age his is immature, is a sheep and susceptible to everyone's opinions and is easily swayed, but never listens to me, and never gives me credit for what I have done. Which he counters with that I am too needy, require too much time, am too hung up on things like that. Well, I feel like he doesn't take things seriously, is actually really fucking lazy (he does a lot but accomplishes nothing, sometimes), and why does he not want to spend time with me? He says he has responsibilities, but everyone does. I think he might just really suck at prioritizing his time. This is just me venting, I care about him a lot, but he infuriates me to no end at times. When he has plenty of free time, he is attentive and we have a great time together. But when he's stressed, he can't deal with it, and I feel like I am the one to get pushed away first. Is it wrong that I got really upset that I had bronchitis and wanted to be taken care of while he was off drinking with his friends? Which normally I wouldn't care (even though they're fat as shit and I don't know why he finds their repetitive, inane blather so fascinating anyway...I do like Zach though, he's cool), but how often does one's girlfriend get bronchitis and need some care? It was bad timing, but I have a feeling that I am never going to be the #1 priority in his life, which (ha, even the horoscope said this), is something I need. Apparently I am the Venus of the horoscope, demanding men bow to my every whim. When I am well and active, we have fun together, but I noticed he has a hard time slowing down for me. And it's not really for me. It's really hard to explain, but I feel like the things he does he does because I'm his girlfriend, a generic girlfriend, nothing done especially for me, for JO. He does things because that's what he's supposed to do. He doesn't adjust to make me feel singular and special. I think this is something I'm just going to have to deal with, or else live without. But God, the thought of living without that handsome, broad-chested, dark-haired witty thing is a difficult one. Is this what lust is?
I started talking to Steve again. I find that I talk to him when Chris isn't enough emotionally. He calms me down, comforts me, knows ME. He pointed out yesterday that when work too much and get stressed out I get really sick. He's a nurturer. It's the same shit though, just not attracted to his body. But maybe at some point in one's life that doesn't matter anymore? The thought of the things we've done, or the things I'd like to do, all seem singular and special and for US when I think about doing them with him. He invited me to a show and I sort of want to go. I know at least it will be about us, or at least he will be focused on me, WHILE enjoying the music. Did I just leave him for Chris because Chris is more attractive and the type of guy I have set up as an ideal, and because he was here? GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, stupid patterns aagggggh. I think I just need to learn to trust Chris, he loves me, this is just the way he does it.
I will start working my first full-time job right after Thanksgiving. I'm going to be the administrative assistant at Kennedy Community Center. I was really looking forward to going back to the Sports Center, but this is what happened, and I am just going to go with it. Maybe I will be happier with a better schedule, with a job that requires more social interaction (working at the Clerk is like being alone 10 hours a day, with an imperious supervisor flogging you), and if I end up having that 7:30-4:30 shift, then I'll have time to enjoy the sun after work, get into running again, and still will be able to fund my apartment (which I am happy to have), my hobbies, etc. I plan on exercising after work (bike or run), and then would like to start volunteering at SFCB and take classes. How I love putting type away.
I'm taking Spanish conversation classes right now (Spanish for Work and Fun) with Ilva Salamanca at Chabot, which are great, a bit slow and too easy, but I don't speak at all, so it's a good activity. We have a good group and the teacher is so sweet. But I don't want to learn Spanish because I feel like I HAVE TO, not because I WANT TO. Also bugs me that Chris and his dumb crazy whore of a best friend have used that as their language of weird fucked up love. I forgot where I read that if I stay with a Cancer (Steve), I will accomplish a lot of goals. I wonder if it's because it never feels like a competition with him, whereas with Chris it always does, and never in my favor, and never to my credit.
Yes, three things that will hopefully bring increased happiness:
1) Better work schedule and going back to the Leisure Department
2) Running after work
3) Getting more involved at SFCB.
I just feel like I'm going to lose him if I don't keep maintaining it. I already feel like he's slipping through my grip. I hate that he has so many close female mentors at work, why can't he hang out with dudes like normal men? Why can't his closest cousins be men? That Measure Z tax passed in San Leandro (as I predicted but hoped against), which means that his favorite co-worker who is crazy and he idolizes her will keep her job, as will he, and he will quit working at UCLS, and I'll know even LESS of what's going on with him. I feel like our relationship is tenuous, constantly hanging by a thread, which I'm sure he doesn't mind or doesn't even notice, but which is a cause of constant distress for me. I just want all his attention, is that too much to ask? I want to not have to worry about what he's doing. I want it to be he and I. Which it will never be. I know I just have to trust him, but my heart is constantly in a state of unrest. Will he leave me for someone who piques his interest more, or who challenges his mind more, or who is more attractive? Because he can. I just want to feel secure.
I am pretty unhappy right now. But this sun, this day off, tending to the plants this morning, and thinking about painting my toenails eases the unhappiness. I hope it is just S.A.D. 10 more days of Clerk. Upcoming trip to Boston with your boy, when you will have him to yourself for 5 days. New job soon. Hang in there.
I am sitting on the two front steps of my apartment in San Leandro. A lot has changed since my last post, which I checked on a whim at work yesterday, which I realize has also changed as of late.
I am working at the City Clerk's Office, 8AM - 6PM, M-F, with every other Friday off. Regina has been on maternity leave since mid-August. I very much dislike this job and can't wait to be finished, in 10 days exactly. I wrote a countdown in my planner yesterday, which was Election Day.
I'm actually at home sick with bronchitis today. I would have loved to take yesterday off, except that it was Election Day, and one of our office's primary functions. In hindsight, I don't think it matters whether I was there or not; the phone only rang about 10 times, everything else could have waited. Yesterday was excruciating. Actually, most days are excruciating. Being at the office for 10 hours each day of the week is horrible. Yes, we get every Friday off, but I really feel like I would rather work every day of the week but work less. I've never been one for an inundation of anything. I hate getting off of work so late, not getting to see the sun, being hungry and having only a few hours before I have to go to bed and do the whole damn thing over again the next day. I miss my Sports Center job, I miss the people, I miss being off on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and the solitary time it provided me. I hate crowds, and having those days off in the middle of the week allowed me to do thing without crowds. Being alone for so long in quiet Japan, which favors an introspective, quiet, isolated life has really done a number on my life rhythm. Despite being back for more than a year, I still feel the same: the United States are a loud, selfish, self-centered place.
That's not to say I haven't found things that I like to do. With the increase in pay (I also have benefits now...after not having them for so long, it's a weird new responsibility, both financially and logistically, but I suppose I should be grateful to have them), I have been able to fund things that I had to withhold from myself for so long. I dropped a ton of money at Urban Outfitters in my constant pursuit of being fashionable. I found out about the San Francisco Center for the Book (SFCB) through Marlene at work (what a beacon of light and a kind soul in such a dark bunker of a place) and have taken 2 classes there thus far: Autumn Color Palette with Andie Thrams, who was serene and wonderful and coincidentally friends with my old Scientific Illustration teacher Jenny Keller from UCSC; and Letterpress 1 with Mary Laird, who is artsy, hippie, and un-traditional and offered a refreshing counterbalance to my extremely traditional letterpress training. In SFCB, I have found my niche: this is what make the hours fly without weight, this is what makes me happy without condition. Mary Laird said that I should really pursue letterpress, she said that she sensed that I had the characteristics and qualities of a good printer: eye for detail, patience, tenacity. I just need to find a way to fund this; these classes are not cheap. I got in touch with Paul Ritscher recently as well, and he was very encouraging. As I've said before, the things I do are for these things, the pursuit of what makes me happy. Art, letterpress, nature, cafes. I wish I was more pragmatic sometimes, but this is what it is.
I am still with Chris, we celebrated our one year anniversary on September 11th. It was quite nice, and our exchange of gifts melted my heart. We were in the Bayfair BART parking lot, but no matter: the beautiful earrings and necklace he gifted me from a small boutique in Oakland and the Potrero Hill whiskey and photo album I gave him made were a really rare, wonderful moment in our relationship's history. It's so hard to get an emotional response out of him, or even honest confessions, so reading the card he wrote and actually getting to look him in the eyes in a way that is hard on a day to day basis, with how busy he is and so hurried and focused on the next thing he is, and how averse he is to memorializing things, was just NICE. We spent the day in SF, at Samovar Tea Lounge, as recommended by Susan, then a jaunt through the Museum of Modern Art, which I loved, I hadn't been there in so long. But even then, I felt a disconnect; he was so focused on the art that it felt that he forgot that I was there. Kind of like at the Arcade Fire concert we went to in Berkeley the other month: he was so moved by the music, as was I, that he forgot that I was there, trying to sway and dance with him. I know horoscopes aren't everything, but should it be cautionary that his Sagittarius horoscope basically suggests the opposite of what I desire in a relationship: a priority for independence and one self, constant activity, disloyalty, a woman-magnet? Of course he has good qualities, but I find myself often feeling hurt, or cast aside. It could also have something to do with the fact that for his age his is immature, is a sheep and susceptible to everyone's opinions and is easily swayed, but never listens to me, and never gives me credit for what I have done. Which he counters with that I am too needy, require too much time, am too hung up on things like that. Well, I feel like he doesn't take things seriously, is actually really fucking lazy (he does a lot but accomplishes nothing, sometimes), and why does he not want to spend time with me? He says he has responsibilities, but everyone does. I think he might just really suck at prioritizing his time. This is just me venting, I care about him a lot, but he infuriates me to no end at times. When he has plenty of free time, he is attentive and we have a great time together. But when he's stressed, he can't deal with it, and I feel like I am the one to get pushed away first. Is it wrong that I got really upset that I had bronchitis and wanted to be taken care of while he was off drinking with his friends? Which normally I wouldn't care (even though they're fat as shit and I don't know why he finds their repetitive, inane blather so fascinating anyway...I do like Zach though, he's cool), but how often does one's girlfriend get bronchitis and need some care? It was bad timing, but I have a feeling that I am never going to be the #1 priority in his life, which (ha, even the horoscope said this), is something I need. Apparently I am the Venus of the horoscope, demanding men bow to my every whim. When I am well and active, we have fun together, but I noticed he has a hard time slowing down for me. And it's not really for me. It's really hard to explain, but I feel like the things he does he does because I'm his girlfriend, a generic girlfriend, nothing done especially for me, for JO. He does things because that's what he's supposed to do. He doesn't adjust to make me feel singular and special. I think this is something I'm just going to have to deal with, or else live without. But God, the thought of living without that handsome, broad-chested, dark-haired witty thing is a difficult one. Is this what lust is?
I started talking to Steve again. I find that I talk to him when Chris isn't enough emotionally. He calms me down, comforts me, knows ME. He pointed out yesterday that when work too much and get stressed out I get really sick. He's a nurturer. It's the same shit though, just not attracted to his body. But maybe at some point in one's life that doesn't matter anymore? The thought of the things we've done, or the things I'd like to do, all seem singular and special and for US when I think about doing them with him. He invited me to a show and I sort of want to go. I know at least it will be about us, or at least he will be focused on me, WHILE enjoying the music. Did I just leave him for Chris because Chris is more attractive and the type of guy I have set up as an ideal, and because he was here? GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, stupid patterns aagggggh. I think I just need to learn to trust Chris, he loves me, this is just the way he does it.
I will start working my first full-time job right after Thanksgiving. I'm going to be the administrative assistant at Kennedy Community Center. I was really looking forward to going back to the Sports Center, but this is what happened, and I am just going to go with it. Maybe I will be happier with a better schedule, with a job that requires more social interaction (working at the Clerk is like being alone 10 hours a day, with an imperious supervisor flogging you), and if I end up having that 7:30-4:30 shift, then I'll have time to enjoy the sun after work, get into running again, and still will be able to fund my apartment (which I am happy to have), my hobbies, etc. I plan on exercising after work (bike or run), and then would like to start volunteering at SFCB and take classes. How I love putting type away.
I'm taking Spanish conversation classes right now (Spanish for Work and Fun) with Ilva Salamanca at Chabot, which are great, a bit slow and too easy, but I don't speak at all, so it's a good activity. We have a good group and the teacher is so sweet. But I don't want to learn Spanish because I feel like I HAVE TO, not because I WANT TO. Also bugs me that Chris and his dumb crazy whore of a best friend have used that as their language of weird fucked up love. I forgot where I read that if I stay with a Cancer (Steve), I will accomplish a lot of goals. I wonder if it's because it never feels like a competition with him, whereas with Chris it always does, and never in my favor, and never to my credit.
Yes, three things that will hopefully bring increased happiness:
1) Better work schedule and going back to the Leisure Department
2) Running after work
3) Getting more involved at SFCB.
I just feel like I'm going to lose him if I don't keep maintaining it. I already feel like he's slipping through my grip. I hate that he has so many close female mentors at work, why can't he hang out with dudes like normal men? Why can't his closest cousins be men? That Measure Z tax passed in San Leandro (as I predicted but hoped against), which means that his favorite co-worker who is crazy and he idolizes her will keep her job, as will he, and he will quit working at UCLS, and I'll know even LESS of what's going on with him. I feel like our relationship is tenuous, constantly hanging by a thread, which I'm sure he doesn't mind or doesn't even notice, but which is a cause of constant distress for me. I just want all his attention, is that too much to ask? I want to not have to worry about what he's doing. I want it to be he and I. Which it will never be. I know I just have to trust him, but my heart is constantly in a state of unrest. Will he leave me for someone who piques his interest more, or who challenges his mind more, or who is more attractive? Because he can. I just want to feel secure.
I am pretty unhappy right now. But this sun, this day off, tending to the plants this morning, and thinking about painting my toenails eases the unhappiness. I hope it is just S.A.D. 10 more days of Clerk. Upcoming trip to Boston with your boy, when you will have him to yourself for 5 days. New job soon. Hang in there.
7.11.2010
Things That Make Me Happy
To add to the ever-growing, sometimes redundant list:
- The warm, comforting smell of Chris' room and the enveloping softness of his bed.
- Driving around Berkeley and SF and recognizing streets, understanding my bearings, and reading a map and figuring it out without help.
- Little coffee shops with character like Local 123. (I will open one of my own someday, dammit! Everything I do and learn is for that purpose.)
- Being with Chris in general. Our relationship feels so happy and natural.
- As always, coffee, sweets, warm sun, bicycles, being understood (finally).
- The warm, comforting smell of Chris' room and the enveloping softness of his bed.
- Driving around Berkeley and SF and recognizing streets, understanding my bearings, and reading a map and figuring it out without help.
- Little coffee shops with character like Local 123. (I will open one of my own someday, dammit! Everything I do and learn is for that purpose.)
- Being with Chris in general. Our relationship feels so happy and natural.
- As always, coffee, sweets, warm sun, bicycles, being understood (finally).
"Counting My Blessings," as Anna said...
Not to sound arrogant, but sometimes it feels like everyone wants a piece of me. But I only want to give pieces of myself to certain people. I swear this weekend has been catch-up central. It was Shara's wedding, which made me realize that while they were good friends, the only one I really care to give my time to is Gina. Then today I saw Anna from Japan, which was emotionally cathartic, it was so amazing to be able to talk with someone who gets it completely: the difficulties, the ups and downs, the reality of the job market, the isolation, feeling restless and alone. I burst into tears when I saw her, not sad ones, but ones of relief. We met up in Berkeley at Local 123, a wonderful little coffee shop, and had lunch at Kabana, where Chris had taken me, as recommended by his co-worker Michael. Both of our priorities at this point are just to a) have a job, any job and b) to have a place of our own to live. It is so nice to have someone who understands. We have different things going on right now and different goals, but it's nice to know that is someone out there, and hey we might even be roommates if the time and price and location is right!
Drove from Berkeley to SF right after to meet up with Tim at the Whitcomb Hotel on Market, which made me feel really liberated and empowered, driving around and figuring my way around "the city" myself. We only met for an hour or so just to catch up and have coffee, but again it was nice to see someone from the Japan Era. Prior to today, I had only seen Brenna, and that was soon after I had gotten back so the depth of the reverse culture shock hadn't really set in yet. And then today I got to see two people. What a day!
It really made me re-evaluate who I want in my life. As I've said before, it doesn't make sense to have people who make me feel like shit in my life. So I shall cut them loose. However, people who are very important to me at this moment are:
Chris, my love (Anna said that she could tell that I was really happy, and you know what, I am. It took a bit of adjusting and a lot of giving and taking to get to this point, but he is so wonderful. Now I understand what people mean when they say that you just "know" that it's right. It just is and you can feel it.)
Becky, Brenna, Anna, Kitty, Natalee, without whom I would fall apart
Yukie, Katsue, Emi, Kyoko, who are the sweetest people in the world
Anyone from the Japan Era.
Gina
My sister
Leslie
These are the people I want to keep close to me. It is a small circle but I always desire quality over quantity. I will try to keep in touch better. I will try to maintain my relationships better. I will text and email back immediately or within a day. I will return phone calls by the end of the day or by the next day.
Was just thinking, there are SO MANY PEOPLE to be held accountable to, and there is only so much of me to go around, as mentioned before. I feel like real friends, the people who are the most true to you, will understand that life gets busy, and I will get to you I can. Just because I don't talk to you all the time doesn't meant I don't think about you or don't care about you, I'm just busy. And people who get all mad about it (i.e. Katie and my mom), can just deal with it. There are plenty of people out in the world who understand and care and are supportive. This is life. I love my JET friends and Japanese friends for understanding this the most, and that is what makes it difficult for me to tolerate people who don't understand. Life is too short to have to do things you don't want to do, hang out with people you don't want to hang out with, or do anything that makes you feel shitty and negative. So I am choosing to stay away from it, even if it makes people mad. They can go f*** themselves.
I will move out of my parents' house soon and reclaim my happiness and independence. I will be working for Regina soon and have a M-F, 8-6 job. I'm so close, I can feel it. Good things are coming soon.
P.S. Clean-out your Facebook people!!!
Drove from Berkeley to SF right after to meet up with Tim at the Whitcomb Hotel on Market, which made me feel really liberated and empowered, driving around and figuring my way around "the city" myself. We only met for an hour or so just to catch up and have coffee, but again it was nice to see someone from the Japan Era. Prior to today, I had only seen Brenna, and that was soon after I had gotten back so the depth of the reverse culture shock hadn't really set in yet. And then today I got to see two people. What a day!
It really made me re-evaluate who I want in my life. As I've said before, it doesn't make sense to have people who make me feel like shit in my life. So I shall cut them loose. However, people who are very important to me at this moment are:
Chris, my love (Anna said that she could tell that I was really happy, and you know what, I am. It took a bit of adjusting and a lot of giving and taking to get to this point, but he is so wonderful. Now I understand what people mean when they say that you just "know" that it's right. It just is and you can feel it.)
Becky, Brenna, Anna, Kitty, Natalee, without whom I would fall apart
Yukie, Katsue, Emi, Kyoko, who are the sweetest people in the world
Anyone from the Japan Era.
Gina
My sister
Leslie
These are the people I want to keep close to me. It is a small circle but I always desire quality over quantity. I will try to keep in touch better. I will try to maintain my relationships better. I will text and email back immediately or within a day. I will return phone calls by the end of the day or by the next day.
Was just thinking, there are SO MANY PEOPLE to be held accountable to, and there is only so much of me to go around, as mentioned before. I feel like real friends, the people who are the most true to you, will understand that life gets busy, and I will get to you I can. Just because I don't talk to you all the time doesn't meant I don't think about you or don't care about you, I'm just busy. And people who get all mad about it (i.e. Katie and my mom), can just deal with it. There are plenty of people out in the world who understand and care and are supportive. This is life. I love my JET friends and Japanese friends for understanding this the most, and that is what makes it difficult for me to tolerate people who don't understand. Life is too short to have to do things you don't want to do, hang out with people you don't want to hang out with, or do anything that makes you feel shitty and negative. So I am choosing to stay away from it, even if it makes people mad. They can go f*** themselves.
I will move out of my parents' house soon and reclaim my happiness and independence. I will be working for Regina soon and have a M-F, 8-6 job. I'm so close, I can feel it. Good things are coming soon.
P.S. Clean-out your Facebook people!!!
5.29.2010
The Frugal Traveler
NY Times: Three Things I've Learned About Frugal Travel (And the Things I Didn't Do)
I think my favorite bits of advice are:
1) "Frugal" is about value; spending a certain amount for a food or experience that is meaningful to you, whether it is rare or makes you happy.
2) Meeting people doesn't cost money and makes your trip memorable. During all the traveling I've done, I always remember the people I met, they are inextricably tied to my experiences.
Hopefully after this summer of hard work there will be more frugal traveling in store! I have this pipe dream of taking a month off to travel around Central and South America or India or Vietnam/Thailand after I finish my June-January Sports Center/City Hall work marathon.
Chris and I went to Costa Rica this past week (oh my god, was it just last week?!) and it was amazing. What a beautiful country with such friendly and good-hearted people ("pura vida"), adventures galore including horseback riding (my first time), swimming in a waterfall during a torrential downpour and jumping off rocks into the pool below, zip-lining through forests and across a valley for a kilometer, driving manual through the country in our sweet little BeGo SUV. I can see why so many people become enchanted with Costa Rica, and I am one of them now. Even the capital of San Jose, though at first glance seemingly sketchy and dirty, had a lot of character and hidden gems like Nuestra Tierra 24 hour restaurant and the Cafe Teatro Chris found where we watched a hilarious comedy play performance. I am in love with Costa Rica, and my love for that boy has grown exponentially stronger. We traveled so well together and he makes me laugh. I couldn't be happier. It was really difficult for us to return back to the States, we didn't want to leave.
I'm used to this feeling; I've felt it so many times for all the trips I've come back from and coming back from Japan. But it doesn't get any easier. I know I need to work so that I can leave again, but of course I always wish I could just travel and wander and experience wonderful things. But life is good and interesting and I like my jobs and there are interesting people and interesting things to do and see even here at home. I've realized that it's a matter of one's own perspective; anywhere can be interesting and exciting, it's up to you to have the outlook to make it so.
I think my favorite bits of advice are:
1) "Frugal" is about value; spending a certain amount for a food or experience that is meaningful to you, whether it is rare or makes you happy.
2) Meeting people doesn't cost money and makes your trip memorable. During all the traveling I've done, I always remember the people I met, they are inextricably tied to my experiences.
Hopefully after this summer of hard work there will be more frugal traveling in store! I have this pipe dream of taking a month off to travel around Central and South America or India or Vietnam/Thailand after I finish my June-January Sports Center/City Hall work marathon.
Chris and I went to Costa Rica this past week (oh my god, was it just last week?!) and it was amazing. What a beautiful country with such friendly and good-hearted people ("pura vida"), adventures galore including horseback riding (my first time), swimming in a waterfall during a torrential downpour and jumping off rocks into the pool below, zip-lining through forests and across a valley for a kilometer, driving manual through the country in our sweet little BeGo SUV. I can see why so many people become enchanted with Costa Rica, and I am one of them now. Even the capital of San Jose, though at first glance seemingly sketchy and dirty, had a lot of character and hidden gems like Nuestra Tierra 24 hour restaurant and the Cafe Teatro Chris found where we watched a hilarious comedy play performance. I am in love with Costa Rica, and my love for that boy has grown exponentially stronger. We traveled so well together and he makes me laugh. I couldn't be happier. It was really difficult for us to return back to the States, we didn't want to leave.
I'm used to this feeling; I've felt it so many times for all the trips I've come back from and coming back from Japan. But it doesn't get any easier. I know I need to work so that I can leave again, but of course I always wish I could just travel and wander and experience wonderful things. But life is good and interesting and I like my jobs and there are interesting people and interesting things to do and see even here at home. I've realized that it's a matter of one's own perspective; anywhere can be interesting and exciting, it's up to you to have the outlook to make it so.
5.16.2010
I Don't Need You...
I just want to be with you and enjoy spending time with you. I HATE it when you call me "needy." I'll try not to "need" you so much. I'm sorry that I like to see you and kiss you and be there for you. What is the point of being together if we don't "need" each other.
Despite your age and the supposed wisdom that should come with it, you're pretty retarded, a paper-procrastinating, unnecessarily stressed-out waste of time. Why is it that men 10 years younger than you can get their shit done AND manage to give me the attention I "need," without getting all stressed out? I know what you'd say to that, you'd say, "Go ahead and leave me for them then." Is that how easy it is to you? Maybe I will, then. No wonder you were alone for so long, and probably would be alone still if we didn't meet: for a man your age, you're pretty stupid when it comes to relationships.
Well, I guess I don't "need" you either. Tomorrow, when you try to call me, I will be unavailable, busy with my own things. GOD, you're so NEEDY!
Despite your age and the supposed wisdom that should come with it, you're pretty retarded, a paper-procrastinating, unnecessarily stressed-out waste of time. Why is it that men 10 years younger than you can get their shit done AND manage to give me the attention I "need," without getting all stressed out? I know what you'd say to that, you'd say, "Go ahead and leave me for them then." Is that how easy it is to you? Maybe I will, then. No wonder you were alone for so long, and probably would be alone still if we didn't meet: for a man your age, you're pretty stupid when it comes to relationships.
Well, I guess I don't "need" you either. Tomorrow, when you try to call me, I will be unavailable, busy with my own things. GOD, you're so NEEDY!
5.05.2010
In Memoriam
This is what he said:
"Walking off alone
with your back to the one
you said you loved.
Stepping out of skin
we grew together in as never ending,
but you ended it.
Unprepared for the hardened coldness.
I could not detect it in your eyes.
And every moment that I had to give
was dedicated by your side.
Of all the nights we held each other dear,
never did I dream your grip would end.
And your breath against my neck
I fear was my only reason for breathing.
I will always miss you.
According to the facts so casually you lay before me,
off your interest died.
I'm nodding with your head
just to agree and going against what I know in mine.
I need a promise not a prediction
on when this well resolve.
Ok. If it is never then at least I know.
I'll go without my dignity
and say I will always miss you.
I am a skeleton on display."
- Now It's Overhead, "Skeleton on Display"
I'm going to guess that was for me...It hurts. This isn't easy. But it is ineluctable.
"Walking off alone
with your back to the one
you said you loved.
Stepping out of skin
we grew together in as never ending,
but you ended it.
Unprepared for the hardened coldness.
I could not detect it in your eyes.
And every moment that I had to give
was dedicated by your side.
Of all the nights we held each other dear,
never did I dream your grip would end.
And your breath against my neck
I fear was my only reason for breathing.
I will always miss you.
According to the facts so casually you lay before me,
off your interest died.
I'm nodding with your head
just to agree and going against what I know in mine.
I need a promise not a prediction
on when this well resolve.
Ok. If it is never then at least I know.
I'll go without my dignity
and say I will always miss you.
I am a skeleton on display."
- Now It's Overhead, "Skeleton on Display"
I'm going to guess that was for me...It hurts. This isn't easy. But it is ineluctable.
Some Lists
Things That Make Me Feel Shitty About Myself:
- My mother and her thankless demands
- Steve and his emotional abuse
- Old "friends" who don't understand or care to try to understand my time in Japan
- People who make me feel like I am incapable of doing things even though I've already done them in my life
Things That Make Me Feel Happy and Good About Myself:
- Spending time with Chris and his own joie de vivre
- Working at the Sports Center with fun and supportive co-workers
- People who give me opportunities and responsibilities
- Talking to those friends from all over the world who are adventurous and easy-going
Goals for the Summer:
- Cut out those negative influences from my life, or at least don't let them get to you
- Work your ass off and save all your money so you can move the fuck out, have your own space, and be happy and at peace again
- Surround yourself with those positive influences and keep those people close to you
This is my life, I have a right to be happy. Things that do not make me happy are not welcome in my life. I will do what I need to do to make my life a happy one.
- My mother and her thankless demands
- Steve and his emotional abuse
- Old "friends" who don't understand or care to try to understand my time in Japan
- People who make me feel like I am incapable of doing things even though I've already done them in my life
Things That Make Me Feel Happy and Good About Myself:
- Spending time with Chris and his own joie de vivre
- Working at the Sports Center with fun and supportive co-workers
- People who give me opportunities and responsibilities
- Talking to those friends from all over the world who are adventurous and easy-going
Goals for the Summer:
- Cut out those negative influences from my life, or at least don't let them get to you
- Work your ass off and save all your money so you can move the fuck out, have your own space, and be happy and at peace again
- Surround yourself with those positive influences and keep those people close to you
This is my life, I have a right to be happy. Things that do not make me happy are not welcome in my life. I will do what I need to do to make my life a happy one.
5.03.2010
Cleaning Up
Am feeling like I want to go minimalist on Facebook, but I want to retain my lists here, just in case I change my mind. Not sure why, just how I feel right now. Kinda empty and bare.
Interests:
anything traditional
autumn
beaches
being outdoors
biking
books
booty-shaking music
Cambridge
classic rock
coffee and tea
English etymology
EXILE
Greek and Latin
Kyoto
letterpress printing
long distance running
onsen
pottery
shodo
woodblock prints
worldwide travel
Favorite Authors:
J.M. Coetzee
Milan Kundera
Jhumpa Lahiri
Haruki Murakami
About Me:
Steadily accumulating small realities.
Interests:
anything traditional
autumn
beaches
being outdoors
biking
books
booty-shaking music
Cambridge
classic rock
coffee and tea
English etymology
EXILE
Greek and Latin
Kyoto
letterpress printing
long distance running
onsen
pottery
shodo
woodblock prints
worldwide travel
Favorite Authors:
J.M. Coetzee
Milan Kundera
Jhumpa Lahiri
Haruki Murakami
About Me:
Steadily accumulating small realities.
And Back Down Again...
Fuck, I am an emotional rollercoaster. Just yesterday I was feeling fantastic, spending time with my boy and going for a run on a beautiful day. Today, I get off of work and my boy wants to veg out at home. Even Steve doesn't want to talk. I am alone with my thoughts and with boredom, lacking the motivation to do anything productive after a shift at work. I wanted to go out, even just to get some Tap Ex or something, but a) I'm trying not to spend money and b) I'm trying to cut back on unnecessary eating. Or I wanted to see my boy. Instead I'm sitting at home trying to talk to my ex and feeling really fucking antsy. I wish I had my own place. I think that's all it really comes down to, as it always does when I feel like this, when I slow down and have too much time to myself. I want my own place and companionship. More money wouldn't hurt either. It hurts me when Chris doesn't want to hang out. I hate being alone in my childhood room surrounded by all my shit with nothing to do. I am not fucking happy right now. Maybe this is why I try to stay busy so much, so I don't have to stop and think and be alone with my thoughts? This fucking bites.
Feeling Kind of Crazy, Carefree Today
Yesterday was a beautiful Sunday. After an amusing staff meeting at the Sports Center, I raced over to Chris', where he sauntered down the driveway to meet me, sans shirt. I almost died. I don't think I've ever gone out with anyone that I was so uncontrollably, physically attracted to. It's quite exhilirating.
I took him to Garin Park, which was more beautiful than I remember it being. I mean, I always knew it was a great place. I ran countless miles at the park over the course of 4 years, and know those trails by heart. But yesterday was fantastic. We ran to the staircase, through the valley and back. My monkey boy climbed a tree, then we climbed the huge hill right by the barn. Then we did planks and got burritos at Tacos Uruapan. Garin is magical, really special. Yesterday we were running back through the valley and I had one of those moments where I realized that sometimes to really appreciate something completely, you have to go away and come back and see it with eyes that have seen other things in the world. Garin is one of those places; I've been to so many countries and seen a lot of things and Garin is just great. It was really cool to be able to share that experience with someone not from my XC team, someone equally special to me. I love how we can keep up with each other. I love having someone to run and be active with, whose bum I can squeeze or make out with after, all sweaty from running. This is bliss.
The rest of the evening was taken up with a much needed shower, watermelon leftovers from my meeting, chocolate costco cake and cookies and cream ice cream, and a movie, "An Education." Then we passed out, understandably.
I'm happy right now and I hope it stays this way. I have -$245 in my bank account right now and am impatiently waiting for my pension. I have boxes of shit to unpack, 8 months on, and lots of people that I owe letters and e-mails. But right now, it's warm outside, I am alone at home, and I still have another 2 hours until I have to be at work. I know what stress feels like and right now I am not stressing. I feel like I could give a shit about anything bad right now, and it's a great feeling.
I took him to Garin Park, which was more beautiful than I remember it being. I mean, I always knew it was a great place. I ran countless miles at the park over the course of 4 years, and know those trails by heart. But yesterday was fantastic. We ran to the staircase, through the valley and back. My monkey boy climbed a tree, then we climbed the huge hill right by the barn. Then we did planks and got burritos at Tacos Uruapan. Garin is magical, really special. Yesterday we were running back through the valley and I had one of those moments where I realized that sometimes to really appreciate something completely, you have to go away and come back and see it with eyes that have seen other things in the world. Garin is one of those places; I've been to so many countries and seen a lot of things and Garin is just great. It was really cool to be able to share that experience with someone not from my XC team, someone equally special to me. I love how we can keep up with each other. I love having someone to run and be active with, whose bum I can squeeze or make out with after, all sweaty from running. This is bliss.
The rest of the evening was taken up with a much needed shower, watermelon leftovers from my meeting, chocolate costco cake and cookies and cream ice cream, and a movie, "An Education." Then we passed out, understandably.
I'm happy right now and I hope it stays this way. I have -$245 in my bank account right now and am impatiently waiting for my pension. I have boxes of shit to unpack, 8 months on, and lots of people that I owe letters and e-mails. But right now, it's warm outside, I am alone at home, and I still have another 2 hours until I have to be at work. I know what stress feels like and right now I am not stressing. I feel like I could give a shit about anything bad right now, and it's a great feeling.
5.02.2010
Buenas Noches
We're going to Costa Rica in 15 days. HOLY CRAP!
Had a 11.5 hour reception with Connor at Holly today for a Santo Nino prayer group. They insisted we eat (we did). They also insisted we come and get healed (we did). It was interesting, having all those Santo Nino statues lined up in front of the stage, and having a woman rub my hands with baby oil and touch my forehead and shoulders while saying something in a language that sounded like Hindi, despite the fact that it was a Filipino group. They told me to close my eyes and open my heart. I did; it was warm and meditative. They were the nicest, most generous people at a reception I've dealt with so far. Life is interesting.
Gotta go here (!): Cartagena, Colombia
And gotta read Love in the Time of Cholera (Gabriel Garcia Marquez).
Good night, Buenas noches.
Had a 11.5 hour reception with Connor at Holly today for a Santo Nino prayer group. They insisted we eat (we did). They also insisted we come and get healed (we did). It was interesting, having all those Santo Nino statues lined up in front of the stage, and having a woman rub my hands with baby oil and touch my forehead and shoulders while saying something in a language that sounded like Hindi, despite the fact that it was a Filipino group. They told me to close my eyes and open my heart. I did; it was warm and meditative. They were the nicest, most generous people at a reception I've dealt with so far. Life is interesting.
Gotta go here (!): Cartagena, Colombia
And gotta read Love in the Time of Cholera (Gabriel Garcia Marquez).
Good night, Buenas noches.
He Fell Asleep After...
Last night, I hung out with Chris for a few hours after work, left, came back, got mine, then tucked him into bed and locked the door behind me as I left and drove home.
Oh crap...was that a booty call?
And if it was, why am I so amused? Thinking about it makes me smile to myself. Damn I'm a pimp. Holla!
Oh crap...was that a booty call?
And if it was, why am I so amused? Thinking about it makes me smile to myself. Damn I'm a pimp. Holla!
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