The Current Game Plan

It's been a while. I have been back from Japan for 8 months.

I have moved back into my parents' house and it is strangely comfortable. I have enough to eat, it is clean, and I have all my stuff with me. I could do with more space and less things, but for now this will do.

I have quit working at Borders. I loved my co-workers, the discount, being exposed to new and interesting books while helping people, and being surrounded by books, but hated being on my feet, having to physically exert myself to the point of exhaustion for not enough money, and having to deal with annoying customers.

I work 3 positions within the City of Union City: Facility Manager at the Sports Center, "Paid Internship"/Maternity Leave training with Regina at the City Clerk's office, and receptions on the weekends. I am very happy with my jobs and hours right now, and the amount of respect I have garnered. I think I am a pretty hard worker, and I'm glad to see that that hard work is being rewarded with more hours and more pay.

I have too much shit. I look around my room and there are the boxes from Japan (as yet unpacked; still too painful and nowhere to put anything), piles of clothes, piles of books. I keep meaning to go through and get rid of the chaff, but it's so hard. I like my things and have emotional attachments to a lot of them. And I dread the task. As with most things, I'm sure once I start it will be no problem, but for now, I put it off. I hope I can get around to it; I know they are just material things and if I got rid of most of it I'm sure I wouldn't notice. But I was just going back reading old blog posts and realized with disgust that a lot of the things that make me happy involve material things. I hate double standards, yet why do I have them too?

Steve found out about me and Chris, via Facebook as usual. I really want to get rid of Facebook; it's nothing but trouble. But there are so many people that I wouldn't keep in touch with otherwise were it not for Facebook. Another double standard; I despise the concept of Facebook, the vanity and self-promotion of it, yet I use it. What is wrong with me? Despite everything, Steve STILL wants to be with me. I love him, but I feel like I have found a match in Chris. But then, I don't know sometimes. Sometimes I feel like he is the male version of me. Does that mean that he falls in love as easily as me, and just as easily out of it? Is he an "opportunist" who goes for what is convenient and within proximity, as Steve as called me? I wish for a pure, innocent love. Another double standard, considering my history. I keep trying to stop talking to Steve, but he is relentless in his contact, emotionally manipulative with self-pity and guilt, and I am a sucker for it.

I am addicted to Chris. Being with him makes me feel like floating. Is this infatuation? It's been a long time since I've felt this way, so I can't remember. I want to think it's deeper than that. But we haven't been through much hardship together yet. We have meals together as frequently as possible, we talk every day and try to see each other even if just for the free hour at lunch. I feel we are intellectually matched. The physical chemistry is mind-blowing. I think we are a very attractive couple. I feel wild and alive when I am with him. I am impulsive and active, and I don't know if this is good or bad, but so is he. We have decided on a whim (thanks to that wanderlust of mine and the great deals on Travelzoo.com) that we are going to Costa Rica at the end of May. I cannot express in words how excited I am about this trip. As a result of my experiences from the last 3 years, I feel more at home on the road or in the air than I do when I'm in one place. I could completely relate when I saw "Up in the Air" with Chris in Piedmont, after a charming date at Fenton's.

Is Steve right? Am I an opportunist? I feel really good about this thing with Chris, he makes me feel genuinely happy and makes me laugh. Or is it just good right now because it suits my lifestyle and it's easy. If we were to throw the wrench of hardship into the mix, how would we fare? Or am I just letting Steve's emotional manipulation get to me? Damn those psychology majors. Or does he just know me that well? GAAAAHHH.

I swear, I am a broken record. I'm sure this post sounds like every other post I've written in the past couple of months. This has gotta stop. Thank God this is a private blog.

I told Chris today over lunch at (the utterly shitty) Burrito Supremo (Los Dos Gallos across the street is better in my opinion, and frequented by friends of Mexican ethnicity. I hate to say it for fear of being race-oriented, but if people of the same ethnicity endorse the restaurant, it is probably good) that I felt stretched thin because I feel like I am held accountable to too many people. As much as I love my family, it was kind of nice being in Japan for 3 years and not feeling obliged to talk to them or hang out with them once a week. The calm and silence of living alone was bliss. But it was also isolating and lonely after a while. Give and take. I suppose part of being an adult is responsibility. So this desire to steal away and be a hermit, does that make me immature, the fact that I would rather not face reality?

I think the things I want are still the sa
- full time job (so I have enough money to travel and enjoy life)
- my own place to live (so that I can be a hermit when I choose)

That's pretty much it. I feel like I'm getting there, slowly but surely. I know money isn't happiness, but it sure does help alleviate stress and help one acheive goals.

I hope when I go back and read this post sometime in the future I'm not as shocked about my tone as I was tonight when I read blogs previous to this one. I startled myself with how I am equal parts arrogant and insecure, certain, and uncertain, and just overall immature-sounding.

I am currently arguing with Steve on Gmail, waiting for Chris to call me, and know I need to get to bed so that I can get up in the morning for work to open Sports Center at 5:15AM. I want to be productive tomorrow.

- Work
- Workout
- Do Taxes, Mail Off
- Apply for Cal Opps Job
- Go to SF to meet Gina and Jake for Doug's show at the Rickshaw

Tomorrow will be a good day.

Happiness is...

- Getting off of my fun Sports Center job at 8:45AM with the whole day ahead of me.
- Leftover Harry's Hof Brau Roast Beef Sandwich and mashed potatoes at 9AM.
- Finding and buying a box of Twinings Black Tea Variety Pack (including English Breakfast, Earl Grey, Lady Grey, and Irish Breakfast...just like in Japan!) and Good Earth Vanilla Chai Tea at Lucky's.
- Also finding a box of Barry's Tea and remembering Kitty and our Korean Christmas.
- Going to Marina Foods and discovering all of my old Japanese toiletries (at a markup, but who cares?!) in the beauty aisle. Almost like being at Mr. Max and Hi Hirose again!
- Buying boxes of Genmai-cha, Oolong, and Hoji-cha tea.
- Having the option of shopping at places like Marina Foods, Daiso, Sheng Kee Bakery, Tapioca Express. Love that shopping complex.
- Getting my AT&T $30 rebate card in the mail today.
- Taking a nap in the middle of the day.
- Having the prospect of getting laundry and work done later.

It's been a long time since I've felt like posting a "Happiness is..." post like this. A wonderful day so far. Realizing that tea, toiletries, and being productive/getting things done makes me happy, no matter what country I'm in. ^^

Things seem to be looking up...

FTF

Do I really love you, or am I using you for sex because you are amazingly hot and I just want you?

Why do I always have to be the one to do it? Why can't I just reap the benefits of someone else's work?

I think I have finally hooked him, started to break him. It took a stupid break up letter, and I felt completely in control of the situation. When I figured out that he wasn't coming after me, I came back in under the guise of looking for something. I played my part and told him how I felt. I feel like all boys need to know that they are being completely immature and stupid. I feel like immature men put themselves first and are selfish and self-centered. I read/heard somewhere that women have to mold their men into what they want them to be. They need to learn to appreciate you, make you their priority. Which is why I HATE that he won't give up smoking. And wouldn't be so damn dependent on alcohol. I feel like if he really cared about me he would quit. That is really the only thing that is keeping this from being perfect. I want to leave him for it, but the thing is, I know that he would just let me go. And then resent me for leaving him. Dumbass.

Late Night Thoughts

That feeling of being completely unhinged and drowning in confusion and culture shock is finally subsiding a bit. I have found calm in the things that I found calm in before: quiet moments in coffee shops, exploring and finding new secret little places, settling into a routine, having rapport with my coworkers and leverage at my job(s), dreaming about future travels, sleeping in on Saturday mornings, absorbing sunlight while napping in my car or on a bench, etc.

I feel like I want to visit Thailand and Vietnam next, when I can. And of course Tibet in 2012 with Natalee. I find myself craving and consuming Thai and Vietnamese food quite frequently these days, because it is fresh and healthy, filling and cheap.

As they always eventually do, my priorities have cycled back to saving money in order to get settled. I guess I just go through phases after a big change when I have to get the energy out of my system and flop around like a fish, be a social butterfly, and find my niche. Which always ends up being contemplative solitude and quality time with my boy.

Things that make me happy no matter where I am (a possible redux of a previous posting, I feel):

- Coffee and sweets in a cafe with character
- Walks in parks
- Books and bookstores
- Delicious food in charming, inexpensive independent restaurants
- Shopping for wardrobe essentials
- Music and dancing

I went to Tapioca Express with my sister at midnight today. It felt like my Friday night because I don't have to work tomorrow. We played ferocious rounds of speed, consumed almond milk tea and peach milk pudding, shimmied to the beat of the bumping music, laughed our asses off. I love that we can have a great time sans alcohol and drugs.

Which will be more important in the long run? Who will I share my older days with? Who will I want to die in the arms of? The one I have clever conversations and exhilarating adventures with who fits my body perfectly? Or the one who treats me like a queen and with whom I have a unique, singular and irrevocable history of experiences, explorations, and self-discoveries?

I know who I should pick, but why do I want to pick the other one? Am I young and rash, and will I have regrets?

My 26th birthday is coming soon. I bought a short, curve-hugging, skankaliciously sophisticated black skirt to wear. I found a billowy green tank top to wear with it at Urban Outfitters, but it was expensive for what it was. Geng and I are going to the mall tomorrow to look for cheaper alternatives. I should wear clothes like this while I'm still in my 20s, young and bangin' enough to wear trendy, revealing clothing, show off my goodies, and get away with it without people thinking I'm old and desperate. This is my prime. Short, tight, with bright colors. In 4 years I'll have to lengthen hemlines, wear more tailored things, be less coy.

I'm moving back into my parents' house because living here feels like living there except that I have to pay rent. I might as well pay less and get fed. I need to continue to lessen my belongings to essentials. I don't need much. I am looking forward to having more spending money, running and working out, spending more time at the Sports Center and being on the side of town where it's nicer and closer to the places I frequent: Target, Sports Center, Paddy's. I'll have my old running loop back, I can bike to work, I will be in control. I will have money to buy makeup and contact lenses.

Places I have discovered I like since being back:

- Berkeley
- Santana Row in San Jose (The shopping reminds me of Japan and stores that I like/hope to buy things from when I can afford it someday are there: H&M, Urban Outfitters, Anthropologie, Lulu Lemon, BCBG Max Azria)
- San Leandro (Mon Cafe, Manor Library, Bay Trail- has character, not so commercialized hidden-gem-like establishments. OMG Nordstrom Rack. )

Things I want to do when Steve visits:

- Get Tap Ex
- Eat at Red Chili
- Explore Golden Gate Park as a newcomer without feeling stupid
- Go to Berkeley, meander Telegraph, check out used book stores, get Yogurt Park

I want to do these things with Chris, but I feel like it's very "been there, done that" with him. I want us to see and explore something new together. With Steve I feel un-self-conscious and at ease.

HOLY CRAP I love shoes and handbags. Nordstrom Rack...drooooool. I would love black pumps with a curved heel, and a navy blue or grey handbag. Damn being a woman.

DAMN YOU

I hate that even when I think we have had a long phone conversation, it still is 5 minutes short of a normal phone conversation with your "oldest friend."

I hate that you smoke and have no desire to quit. It smells bad, makes you taste gross when I kiss you, makes me smell like smoke too, and makes me that you are self-centered, selfish, and weak for not caring enough about my opinion and feelings to quit.

I hate that you always leave me emotionally hanging.

I hate that you are sexy and attractive and that I cannot resist you.

DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT.

Grief

I am a stupid, stupid woman.

There is a man out there in the world who tells me that he loves me completely and wants nothing more from life than to make me happy. He tells me about plans and possibilities, for us to live together, pursue our careers, and build a life together. It sounds so perfect. I know that what I SHOULD do is say yes, accept it wholeheartedly, and just be happy. How often does a love like that come around? Some people never even get to experience it.

Why have I fallen for a bitter, older man? Who is sweet and also loves me and cares for me, but not in the same way, at least not yet? Love like that comes with time and shared experiences, right? (And shared struggles?) I feel like there is a part of him that is always not there, thinking about something else, with that faraway look in his eyes, distracted. Distracted with thoughts of what he needs to do, things pertaining to himself. I understand because I do the same thing, but I guess that's what it must feel like to whoever is with me. I want to be with him because we share an intellectual connection and his body is bangin'. Is that so bad? I feel like I want him to be mine. Am I making the biggest mistake of my life by choosing this man? I cried today, the kind of tears and heaving that come with unbridled grief. Grief for the end of the relationship, the loss of that connection and love. We both love each other, but why is that not enough, for me at least. What is wrong with me? Am I thinking too far ahead? Should I just live in the present and not worry about the future, and what kind of person I'm supposed to grow old with? Is this the idealism that comes with the naivete of youth?

Do I watch too many romantic movies? My life is NOT "The Notebook," dammit.